the best kind of camera you can have...

is the one you have with you.
brilliant advice from a brilliant friend.
i'm taking it to heart.
i often cringe as beautiful moments occur and i don't have my favorite camera in hand. but in all the recent craziness, my favorite camera has taken an unfortunate vacation. or at least my time to download my daily photos has been so limited that i can't even remember the last time i perused them. sad, very sad.
so i've taken to the camera phone. fast. easy. accessible. slow shutter speed and a little unflattering, but hey...better than nothing, right?

recently, i've found myself in survival mode. here i sit, 1:58am, with another hour of order packaging ahead of me. 18 orders finished in a weekend. a world record. but i have 7 blog posts that i can't get out of my head. they're going to have to sit tight up there (if i can miraculously hold on to them a bit longer) because the blog world has taken a back burner.

survival mode. it kicks in when the orders kick up. i may complain about the exhaustion. and by complain i mean super annoying complaining. i get whinier the less i sleep, much to my husbands' chagrin. i whine to him about how i never have enough time to sew. how there are always orders looming. how i'm not sure if i can make it another day.
but when i sit in my little, cramped, barely-enough-room-for-one-person-let-alone-1000-yards-of-fabric, i remember something. oh yea. i love this. i love that it's for her. i love it.
no, wait. i don't love the exhaustion. it's becoming akin to a newborn. and we all know that kind of exhaustion isn't anything you want to impose upon yourself for no good reason.

and then i get to thinking. this is what happens late at night :) i start thinking. scary, really. i might re-read this post tomorrow and think it's all crazy talk.

i've been thankful that at least i have something i can do for her. after all, i don't get to be the one who rocks her to sleep when she's a newborn. i don't get to do the late night feedings. i don't get to be the one who looses sleep. so this is my newborn stage for her.

it is only by some superhuman dose of nightly adrenaline that i am able to work into the night...and then all at once in the middle of the night, it leaves.
i have literally fallen asleep at my sewing machine. or i find myself sitting there in a daze, staring at fabric.
so i walk right into bed.
horrifically enough, most nights with my clothes on.
i instantly fall asleep.
i awake to kids poking me with smiles.
hopefully, i put fresh clothes on, and start the day.
drink coffee. more than humanly possible.
i forget about sewing.
we live our day. laugh. wrestle. build stuff. eat snacks. visit friends. tackle everyday stuff. it's like a i'm normal.

and then the evening comes.
if i told you how many hours i've been working, you'd think i'm crazy. and i just might be.
but, i can't stop thinking about her. writing about her. thinking about her more.
like that movie the 3 amigos, which my husband loves so much and often quotes and then giggles to himself :)
i might not be able to hop a flight and rock her to sleep tonight, but "i can sew"
it's not much of anything. but at least it's something.
honestly, i long for her to be here for many reasons. selfishly so i can close down etsy, and open up my nights to do things like laundry and meal planning and lesson planning and cleaning and gardening and time with my husband, oh and sleeping.
but if she can't be with me, then i'm going to sew. sew like the wind, i tell you.
and i love every minuet of it.
oh and i'm going to stop whining so much. this will by my last "i'm tired" post. i'm starting to annoy myself :)


and on a non-sewing note...

clint's brother is getting married in 2 weeks...and he's marrying quite possibly the most wonderful person ever...it's going to be such a fun night! i can't wait!
speaking of the most wonderful people ever...my sister in love is lending me a most awesome vintage ensemble for the wedding. actually, she spread out 8 amazing choices, each with a matching pair of stunning heels...like my own personal stylist. seriously, her closet is amazing. i love her style so much. ok, i love everything about her :) and if i can slim it down a bit i might rock a black and blue number...that is, if i can summon my youth and coolness to pull it off :)
the camera phone doesn't do it justice at all...it's so cool and chic.

now to loose a few lbs before the big day. somehow my mid-section seems to have enlarged. could it be the 5 lb bags of peanut butter m&m's?? no way...those don't have any calories...they're much to small for that :)

and saturday we went and got clint fitted for his suit...and the boys had quite a fun time in the 5way mirrors. i'm quite sure the sales associate was glad to get us up and out. maybe that's why they were so prompt with the measurements for the alterations? :)

so handsome :)

man brain

men have the ability to only think about one thing at a time. i've realized recently it's not as much of a disadvantage as we women folk often conclude. i've realized it might just be a gift. a beautiful, one-thought-process, focus-producing gift. take for example this morning. as i ran from room to room, packing lunches, forgetting where i left my clothes, wrangling children, making breakfast, mumbling this and hoisting that, i came to the conclusion that can't even grasp a single thought long enough to remember what in the world i am supposed to be concentrating on. i end up doing 20 things at once and i'm sure i look like whirlwinding gumby to anyone lucky enough to witness my gallivanting throughout the house. it never fails that i can't find my keys and i leave my coffee sitting on the counter and have to run back upstairs to get it.
more often than not, i end up walking out of the house without the one thing i was supposed to remember. this morning it was a priority mail box that had to ship today. i got all the way IN the post office and realized i didn't have it. super. looks like another trip to the post office is in my future for this afternoon.

i can only seem to escape my thoughts on purpose. the brain chatter get so loud at times that i have to force myself to fake man brain and focus.

today, i turned off my thoughts, took a detour from our errands and pulled over at the first park we passed. i sat in the grass. we found a secret beach oasis. i breathed. climbed the jungle gym spider web. ate peanut butter pretzels and rode bikes. somehow, among the chatter, i relaxed. finally.

a great day

such a day full of blessings!! i've got an etsy full of orders...a dossier that is ready to send to china (and is close to finally being pushed into action from the proceeds of this surge of orders...oh yea, baby...that's what i'm talking about :) and so much encouragement and love from so many people that i don't even know. i love that about the blog world. it doesn't feel far away. people of all walks of life join up. encourage. inspire.

thank you to so many people who made today fantastic. people i would love to run over and hug if only i could meet them in person. facebook postings, etsy messagers, blog writers, friends, new friends, soon to be friends. i just can't get over it. what a day.

someday i'll be able to post about her. my Emery Lin. when she will finally be ours. my daughter. the little girl who doesn't know any of this is going on a world away. who doesn't yet know how i adore her. dream of her. speak of her daily. cover her little life in prayer.
you are a part of her story. she will know of the amazing people who paved a way for our family to be complete. when she plays with her brothers in the yard and they giggle and race and talk and dream...i will cherish all we have been through. and finally be able to breathe knowing all of my children, wheather born of my body, or another's, are safe and loved and rejoyced over. oh the day. the great great day.  i can hardly wait!

today i had a moment. it was awesome.

i keep finding moments. the kind of moments that make an exhausted day lighten just enough to bring a smile. a smile brings a little stress relief. stress relief leads to lighten anxiety. which then, in turn, makes the little things seem so much more important and the big things less intimidating.

yesterday my moment was with a friend. we sat and chatted during the kids homeschool co-op. we found ourselves in similar life expiriences of figuring out ways to  keep pushing past overwhelmed to get to the next step. just being together and knowing we weren't alone in overwhelmed-ville. it was comforting.  i often live in the town of overwhelmed because as much as i hate it, i often thrive there.

these moments.
moments that remind me to take a step back. to literally take note of blessings and the amazing people that surround us who really, genuinely care. the ones that bring you your favorite iced coffee when you meet for a play date. the ones that listen when you've had a long week. the ones that text for a last minute playdate. call for no reason. email a fantastic blog they know you would love. facebook a message of encouragement.  it's the personal touch of someone reaching out and reaching into your moment of overwhelmed.
i'm here. you aren't alone.



today.
i woke up feeling exhausted. you know, for-real-exhausted. pushed past tiered like a month ago, exhausted. way over drowsy. literally, i have been up into the wee hours of-oh-around-3am for over two weeks now. my inspiration arrives late...late at night that is. i can't help it. maybe it's nocturnal :)
then a moment arrived.
one of my time favorite blogs was kind enough to featured a few of my bags and headbands! i am so excited i could do a little dance all the way across the yard.  and i just might :)

wham.  a moment...a large moment of wake up - overwhelmed? it's ok...you are not alone!

ashley (who writes this oh-so-top-5-favorite-blog) has got to be one of the sweetest people ever. seriously...can i be her neighbor? she has an essence. a fantastic real kindness that permeates.

if you don't already read her blog....start now.
fantastic. talented. down to earth. creative. loves all things old and turns them new. loves her kids. takes pride in the littleness of life. the things that are the essence of who we are as women and mothers.

you will walk away inspired. i do every time :)

ashley...thank you for letting me be a small part of your awesomeness. you rock :)

awesome day dress code

man day

my 3 amigos spent the day in man-ville.
they built stuff with wood and nail guns.

they played rough and laughed hard.

they ate daddy's famous grilled turkey ham and cheese for lunch.
it was the perfect man day.

the kind of day every little boy dreams of having with his dad.

a 3 amigos day :)

fall is creaping in

and i love every minute.

after a scorching summer that had me considering a move to the antarctic, i can't say enough about the cooling fall breeze. we've spent several days this week out of doors from morning till dinner and countless times i've exclaimed, "wow, what a beautiful day" as if each moment was new and fresh again. there is something about fall that reminds me how much i love relaxing days with no agenda. or perhaps the busying schedule makes me cherish those moments all the more.

i even broke out the hoodies when our dear friends came over for a play day this morning. coffee, a tire swing, sand box, and push bikes on a grassy hill. there's nothing quite like it.

i love looking back a week of photos. if i had my way, i would print a photo album every month. it would be the perfect gauge of our year to see them all lined up month by month. oh to have a day to myself each month to undertake such a project. maybe 2 days. one for photo albums and one for organizing the piles of randomness that somehow explode no matter how often i organize them. a third day would be splendid to catch up on my etsy stockpile. and a 4th day would surely come in hand to try the once-a-month-cooking strategy i have always wanted to attempt. i could easily fill up a 5th day with all of the things i didn't get done during the previous 4 days and i a lovely 6th could be filled with watching a few netflix movies i never take the time to view whilst enjoying a large bowl of ice cream and a corona light :)
so 6 days. lets round it to an even 7. a full week each month to be up to nothing but my own devices. can you imagine? oh the wonderfulness.

since i'll never get around to printing a monthly photo journal for my own viewing pleasure, i'll just keep blogging. sometimes i think of it as a love letter to my kids. a journal of my thoughts about life...their life. how loved they are. how cherished. how much i love that i don't have 7 days every month without them because i would surely be missing them after just 1. my little appendages. i love that they are appendages. we are still in the stage where they need me. although frustrating at dinnertime :) i otherwise welcome the fact that they need me. i know it won't be long before they are embarrassed of my kisses...they will be tough enough to not need band aids for every little scratch...and their first love will sweep them off of their feet. i don't have much longer. i can feel it. so i'm cherishing our past 7 days, and the 7 to come.

i'm starting a new blog...

it's called "yes that just happened. the embarrassing life of ang."
ok, not really.
but i keep coming up with moments that prove to embarass me to new heights.
last week it was spilling a gallon of coffee during the first day of school assembly.
and today, well, let me tell you about today.

have you ever found yourself unexpectedly overcome with emotion at the most inopportune time? among the top 5 worst places to cry uncontrollable, during a 3 hour invasive root canal ranks high at the top. perhaps surpassed only by sputtering sobs during your Oscar night thank you speech on national television, or whilst snorkeling in the Bermuda triangle (i actually have a personal tear filled account of just such an occasion....perhaps another entry for my new blog :).

i'm not sure if it was the shockingly large root canal/crown price tag that had me all chocked up, or a conundrum of pent up tears just waiting to jump out at me with their unwarranted appearance, but there i sat. 5 dental tools looking down my tonsils, mr. thirsty and a drill bit longer than one used for the panama canal...overcome with tear wrenching sobs. the shounder shaking kind. my gross dentist neck napkin was soaked from all my tears.

as i attempted to get myself under control, i kept apologizing to the dental professionals, who, through my novocaine and giant gaping tooth hole seemed to take pity on me and my tears. at one point, she handed me a tissue and said, "rough week, hu honey?" and they kept working. it wasn't the root canal. ok, a little of it was the root canal, but the pain wasn't from my tooth. i think in all of the stress of late, i forgot to feel the pain. i forgot that it's ok to feel what i am going through and still have a full and trusting spirit. through my tears, they kept working. after all, i really don't need a broken tooth and a broken tear duct. one needs repair and perhaps the other needs a vacation :)
as the drill groaned, i realized it kept going no matter how many times my tear ducts acted up. i cried, but it kept drilling. the cavity in my root structure has to come out. they can't leave any behind. i would surely be in a lot more pain later down the road if the decay remained.
so bring it on. i may cry, but don't stop drilling. i want to be whole at the end, not still needing repair.

penny penny

how do you get so cute???

i could take 1,000 photos of her cutie tootie face. she doesn't even need to be smiling and she is oh-so-striking. seriously kid. i'm glad we're friends...you are delightful :)

***

laurel...thanks for letting me borrow you and your child for my headband bonanza. i have a feeling there are cute headbands in your near future :)

what more do we really need??

i've been learning a lot about the wilderness. the phase of life that tenderizes patience. at times it feels endless. stressful. bleak. there are days when in the wilderness of life...the time in between...when i start to loose it a little. the things i haven't accomplished mount. i start forgetting things. like returning phone calls and what's on my grocery list. things start slipping through the cracks when stress starts seeping in. i don't rest. i constantly run at 230% capacity and 20% efficiency.

i've been concentrating on my attitude.  i must make and active choice to thrive amongst the weeds and brush land of the wilderness...thriving in the spirit of being positive. being ok with things not necessarily being ok. being strong in the faith i know is being built, even when it feels weak.

i know i am speaking very abstractly.
there are specifics that the blog world doesn't need to know, but the specifics really don't matter when you get right down to it.
no matter the circumstance, the wilderness is important. 
no matter how much i hate it, the wilderness is important.
how else will i appreciate the blessings that are surely to come if i don't take notice and breadth of the struggle in between.

it seems the wilderness contains areas where the stakes are low. kind of like a practice round.
preparing for the high stakes. the real deal. the big one.
a sounding board for our heart attitude.

this past week, the stakes rose. i could feel them rising. i had peace in the midst of our new level of wilderness. all the while i had been complaining these past few months, God was protecting. i see it now. the stakes had been low and i didn't notice. i had no idea what was coming. my head was buried deep in the sand hoping things wouldn't get worse instead of lifting my chin up and looking around. making a plan. taking notice and breadth of the struggle. buckling down.

i see it now. i'm embracing. buckling. taking notice.

it's been a rough week. but in the midst of a week i would love to erase and forget it ever happened, i am somehow thankful for our wilderness.
i will know how to better rejoice when the wilderness meets the promise land.
i will know better what i am made of.
if nothing else, we pull together. we join up. cut off the excess and pull in the stuff of life that really matters.

we spent yesterday evening playing on the tire swing with the boys. we laughed. the boys giggled and we tried to see who could swing the highest. clint pushed me so high up into the tree branches i screeched with both laughter and fear. we spun each other until we were so dizzy we couldn't walk.

we have each other.
what more do we really need??

my new model

it looks pretty just because it's on her loveliness.
i've found my new favorite thing to make and put on my most favorite person. my mom :)

(find her here.)