my oil slick birthday party.

this morning was like a mirage. it was 7:30am and there was silence. pure, blissful silence. no one was stirring, not even a mouse. (geeze, i hope there aren't any mice to stirr).
i layed in bed as still as possible. afraid to even open an eye and make a noise that only a sleeping child could hear. i breathed deep. i sunk deeper into my squishy feather pillow and rolled to the middle of the bed (which is clearly the best part of any mattress.)
an impromptu late-sleeping-morning is exactly what a mom needs. this mom especially. it's something we haven't seen in ages...and after the last 2 weeks, i need it like little boys need muddy hands.

and then i heard it. exactly what you never EVER want to hear in the morning before you have appropriate clothing on. before you have brushed your teeth or glanced in a mirror. before your kids have stirred from blissful slumber.
a knock at the door.
i'm not gonna lie. i pretended for a moment or two that i didn't hear it.
then it got louder. and louder.
a third LOUD knock threw me out of bed, flying down the stairs as i chased some sort of sweatpants up my legs.

"good morning peco gas heater installer dude. nice to meet you. i'm the tenant, although i probably look more like a half awake monster at this point in time. disregard my shocked expression as i totally forgot you were coming today. don't mind me while i run back upstairs in my strange assortment of attire to put on something that more closely resembles clothing and then carry 3 crying children downstairs for breakfast...since they are now all awake at the exact same time, thanks to your thundering wake up call. please track your oily shoes all through the house on my freshly scrubbed floors en route to the basement. and by all means, bring 3 of your friends in the front door and have them track oil through the house as well.
it's going to take you 2 entire days to tear out the old 1920's oil drum and install the new gas heater? that's awesome. perfect in fact. i have nothing planned today or tomorrow. in fact, we sit around quietly all day, we don't need to use the kitchen and i don't get all strung out in stressful situations. today is a perfect day for you to start this messy project.
oh and today is my birthday.
yes, it's very nice to meet you."

i wish i were kidding. but that was how our morning started.
thankfully, it didn't end that way.
this little lady charmed our tears and stress away.

we are on day 11 post surgery.
there must be something magical about day 11.

hope has arrived.

my girl is back.

she looks at me like the little girl i know....she looks at me and smiles...she plays games and snuggles against me for a moment or two when she needs a rest. she giggles. she meanders and plays. she gets into stuff and pulls at my stacks of paperwork. she writes on things with a stray crayon.

she doesn't scream when i put her down.

she doesn't scream when i pick her up.

oh dear Lord, you're awesome. You gave us back our girl.

and You added a some surprise perks.

like this little number she has been rocking constantly...the super cheese smile.

it arrived a few days post surgery...as if her mouth does new things since being stitched anew.

she flashes this goofy smile and gets a good laugh from all of us, much to her delight.

it was thanks to this lovely lady at breakfast that our mood changed from "oil slick nightmare" to "it's a lovely day to be together."

she's back.
i couldn't be happier.

the morning was filled with crazy monkey fights and boys who pick out their own clothes.

and little girls who innately know how to nurture and feed a baby a bottle

this is one of my favorite all time photos...it should be filed in the dictionary under "contagious joy"

(ps, i have been thinking often of the day i posted this...i was dreaming of this day...TODAY...when i could finally see my girl snuggling miss flora. oh it brings me to tears to see it actually happening)

we've also had a strange assortment of food today. it's all i can manage to scavenge round the oil barrel remnants that are currently taking my kitchen hostage.

including something i swore my kids would never eat...the prepackaged pb&j. in my freezer because they were given to us (and i can't turn down anything for free), i pulled those babies out and for once, i was thankful for the ole frozen sandwich conspiracy.

speaking of my kitchen (rabbit trail ahead), one of my dearest friends gave us the best gift when we moved into our house, and every time i use my kitchen, i smile. she is one of the most loving and generous people i've ever met...and she's also insanely organized...i'm totally in awe of her.
she came over, emptied all the craziness out of my cabinets, and put it all back in incredibly organized (and labeled) bins. it rocks. everything has a place and everything in it's place. now i actually have a room in my home that can use that saying.

our kitchen is ugly. like seriously ugly. and since we are renting, i'm still debating if i want to invest the time in making it a bit better looking. until then, i treasure my lovely bins and perfect shelves.


** and last but not least **
i just simply must say again how much i appreciate all of the words of encouragement, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. in fact, i needed the encouragement more than i realized.  it makes a difficult few weeks feel lighter knowing we have a community of friends, weather we have met in person or not, who care...care about our family and this sweet warrior girl of ours.


she's quite captivating.

i've said it before, many times. but it's truer of her than i have ever experienced.

i have random strangers coming up to us in target, the grocery store, church...asking if they can meet her because they just can't quite keep their eyes off of her. sometimes it's hard to focus because i'm still so entranced by her. she has something so unique and fascinating about her. she's so delicate and fragile, and yet you can sense her inner strength in a way that makes you want what she's got...that special something that can't be learned or taught...she's got "it."

i think that's what i have missed most since her surgery. the void of her amazingness. her pain has been so tangible, we are all hurting with her. i never knew what it was like to grieve with a child...to walk through their pain and not be able to change it or make it go away. i've never had a child push me away in their deepest sorrow, but also not want me to leave...and i have been constantly praising God that we can live this with her.

i'm off to do some more of this...

squirrl dens {and healing}

we did a lot of this over the weekend:

these boys are so fun and full of life.

they turn our couches into something new everyday. yesterday it was a diving board. this morning it was a squirrel den. by this afternoon, we made a restaurant that served puppy chow. i love their imagination and ability to look at the same old stuff and see something new. what a beautiful outlook on life.

it was crazy cold this weekend. cold and raining.
oh and sunday was the craft show.

we didn't sell anything. nada. zilch.

it was 40 degrees and raining. uhg.

on the bright side, i now have enough wreathes, bags and coasters for our entire neighborhood, their friend's friends and their niece's 2nd cousin twice removed.

the high point of the day was a hot pulled pork sandwich. with coleslaw on top. that sandwich could make any discouraged craft show looser feel better. i'd like one right now, as a matter of fact.

so tonight, i'm dusting off my etsy shop and selling the surplus.


on a non-bummer note, clint scored a dream-worthy item for the kids on craigslist over the weekend. the $25 price tag on this pocket sized vehicle made all our dreams come true. we've put some serious miles on this baby already.

this 4 wheel vehicle is more emery's style...i think she would stay in there all day long if we let her :)

i haven't been blogging much. for fear of sounding redundant or scaring off any would-be partakers in the adoption surgery arena, i keep waiting for the great part to happen. the normal. the regular.
we aren't there yet.
it's been one week since surgery, but it feels like a year.
my dear sweet emery seems to be struggling more as each day passes.
i know God's plan for her doesn't end here.
i haven't lost hope.

one sweet reader (lindy - thanks dear) wrote a comment over the weekend that really resonated me, comparing what emery is struggling with to the process of grieving a loss. when i read her words, it instantly clicked. that's exactly what it feels like. the desperation and the deep pain in her screams is unlike anything i've ever experienced. i've never heard a child scream like this. never. it's intense and bone chilling.
the long hours of holding a baby that cannot be consoled, it's more challenging than i can describe. i often hold her and cry.
for the past 4 nights since we have been home, she has screamed and cried and thrashed for at least 5 hours each night. as if with each passing night, the terror is getting worse and not better.
we walk
we rock
we sing
we turn lights on
we turn lights off
we try food
we try medicine
we try sleeping next to her
we try her sleeping next to us
we try everything imaginable
and the screaming doesn't cease until she has completely exhausted herself

i know it will get better. i know we are in the hard part. but i hit a low point last night. after holding her for several hours, it was oh around 4am and i hadn't slept more than an hour all night. i slumped into bed and sobbed to clint, "i just can't do it anymore. i'm done. this is horrible. why is she STILL crying!!!"  
i want a reason. some significance to this pain she is going through. i want someone to tell me what i should be doing to help her. some secret method to make it stop. but there is no such thing.
God is working on her healing. it's not for me to know how it will come about.

and i love her. more than ever, i love her. if anything, i've learned she trusts me enough to show me this side of her life. the side that isn't scared to feel. she is ever our warrior. she's not wounded, she's healing. there's a difference.


so many people have left such encouraging comments and sweet emails. i'm working my way back through them, reading each one again and writing back to such incredible friends who have spoken life into me. i can't even describe what a blessing it has been to hear advice and love from so many.


i hesitate to publish. the self conscious part of me wants to just post photos and smiles and gloss over all of this. but i want to be able to look back and praise God for the way He brought emery through such a difficult time.



regression

the emotional toll of the past week has been more extensive than i would have ever imagined. the physical aspect seems to be the minor issue we are facing right now. emery's pain tolerance is either really high, or the oxycodone is working a miracle :) the inside of her mouth looks like a sewing machine went haywire with the zig zag stitch. it's pretty horrible to see. but after day 3, her pain level seems to be controlled really well by the oxy. the emotional regression is much more painful. at times, it's confusing to know how to handle it.

maybe the past 2 months have been like a mirage. other than a few really challenging weeks in the beginning, our time with emery has been so smooth and she found such a groove of peace and trust within her family. but this week of pain and being poked and prodded and held down and arms pinned straight with no-no's, it shook my baby girl back in time.
most of our day, she plays and laughs and snuggles. she ate a LOT today and seems to be unfazed by her mouth. she even finds ways to play with and climb and crawl with her no-no's.

but when it's time for meds (every 4 hours for oxy and tylenol, every 6 for antibiotics, and every 12 for ear drops) she panics. she screams and flails and fights and as if we are torturing her. i'm sure it makes no sense why the people she trusts most are forcing things in her mouth and ears. she looks at me with horror no matter how sweet and calm i sound. she knows whats coming, and she hates it.
at bedtime tonight, i realized just how deep she is hurting. i gave her all of the her meds and drops before we went up for bed. by the time i was trying to put her pjs on, she was so frantic and irate, i knew it was a pivotal night. she wears double no-no's at night (because she can get her hands in her mouth with just one pair) so her arms are like casts. thankfully, the no-no's keep her from clawing her face and head (which she started doing again this week).
her screams reminded me so much of china. but this time, as she flailed and scratched and cried with all her might, her eyes stayed with me. they were begging me not to leave her. her fragile emotional state wanted to push me away. she kicked and screamed and punched me over and over with her crazy arm no-no's. i knew she didn't want to be held, but she also didn't want me to leave. it's such a strange duo that i've never experienced before. but now i recognize it...the pattern of her wanting me to let her feel and deal with pain in her own way, but wanting the security of knowing i'm there for her.

so i held her loosely, and i let her scream and flail. i didn't hold her down, but i held her enough for her to know she was safe. i could put her in her crib and see if she calmed by herself, or go with my gut and stick it out with her. i felt so deeply that she needed me to stay. i tried a few things, but no matter what i did, it made things worse, so we sat. she screamed. i waited.
45 minutes.
and all of the sudden she stopped. she looked up at me like it never happened. she signed bottle and drank for a few moments. she fell asleep instantly on my shoulder. i layed her down in her crib and she snuggled up and went back to sleep.
what was all that about??
regression. she went back to the only thing she knows from her deep past of pain. she knows how to panic. she's slowly learning that i'll be there with her as she heals through it.
it's not easy for either of us.

this adoption thing isn't for the faint at heart. we are parenting broken and fragile warriors. children who have deep rooted pain and fear of abandonment at every stressful turn.

emery and i have so much in common. we want and need help, but we hate asking for it. i would have never survived this week without friends and family jumping in and caring for my kids, bringing meals, visiting us in the hospital, and sending so many messages of love and kindness. so many people i don't even know encouraged me beyond measure this week.

i am truly dreading her next surgery...for fear that we have to step back to where we are right now. what she must endure in the next few months can only be conquered because God has invested more strength in her than i even realize. she was created in a powerful way and all i can do is trust that God will bring us through each of these difficult times in our growth as a family.

strolling

 

what a difference home makes!!!

we got home from the hospital around 1 pm yesterday. I opened the door and miss emery had the biggest smile on her face! they kids were all so happy to see each other! you'd think we had been gone for a month! they were, and still are, so filled with compassion for their sisters mouth and the pain she might be in. they follow her around and dote on her every move. it's adorable.
although we've still had some thrashing, emery slept surprisingly well last night. she was up for pain meds and it took us a bit to get her back to sleep but that was the only time she woke up! incredible!!
she gets frustrated about eating and not being able to feed herself, but otherwise you'd never know she just had major surgery!! really and truly her recovery after day 4 is so much better than I ever thought possible.
I'm hopeful that with each passing day it will get better!

the best moment of my life.

we are headed home in the morning, Lord willing. girl is eating better (housed an entire potato earlier this evening) and is drinking a bit. not a lot, but hopefully enough.

there are 2 things that have been really shocking to me in our 3 days here. 1st: the physical stamina required, and how much my body feels like it's been hit by a semi.  i'm not sure of the percentage of time that i have walked and rocked and carried her in the past 3 days, but i know it's more than i thought humanly possible. for example, i carried emery for 10 straight hours this afternoon into evening. we had times when she was happy...smiling and waving at nurses and laughing at my funny faces...you wouldn't even know she had major surgery a few days ago. she isn't swollen and can smile really well, even with all those stitches.

but, we also had large amounts of time when she was so upset and frustrated today...maybe more so than yesterday. it's totally understandable. she's experienced something so awful and painful, and she isn't allowed on the ground to play, and she's in a strange and oddly noisy place. (oh and the neighbors watch Judge Judy all day long...my brain is melting).

which brings me to the 2nd shocker: something clicked on tuesday, and instead of feeling comforted when i hold her, she has reverted back to china. when she feels pain or hunger or exhaustion, she arches her back and flails backwards and doesn't stop. over and over and over she arches backwards with such force that each and every time i have to hold her with all my might just so she doesn't plummet to the floor. it's horrible. it's soooo very horrible. to see her reverting back and acting like the past 2 months never happened. it's my worst fear coming true. i am praying and praying and praying we will find our way back to where we left off before surgery.

today, she didn't want to be put down...in fact, she didn't want to be held either. she thrashed and screamed for what seemed to be hours. every time i wanted to punk out and put my sweet sobbing girl down to ease my own tortured arms, i remembered what she is going through, and i kept going. 5 more minuets. 20 more. 1 more hour. and so on. if i'm honest, i was (and still am) in so much back pain, i think i might put in for a reconstructive surgery of my own. oh and maybe a left arm transplant :) my body was shaking so badly by the end of the night, i was afraid it would give out. i wish i had kept up with my yoga or lifted some weights in preparation.

ok, enough of my whining. but i needed the back story to get to the good part.

in the middle of my 10 hour stretch of holding (somewhere around 5pm) i was crying because she was crying so much. my heart was breaking at her sorrow and i just didn't think i could take another moment. i asked the nurse to give her meds a little early in hopes that it would help. but it was too early. 1 hour too early. so i tried other things. formula? no. didn't want that. toys? no. didn't want that. diaper change? no. didn't like that one bit.
so i laid her on the crib, my arms shaking. i kissed her forehead as she was kicking me and trying to find a way out of her no-no casts. she flailed and clawed at her feet and my neck and face. my tears dripped on her as i tried to speak softly in chinese over my own sobbs.
suddenly, she calmed a bit. she looked up at me, with those amazing eyes...tears streaming in those sweet asian browns...and she spoke. for the first time.

she said the one word i have been longing to hear since i laid eyes on her. the moment i have dreamed of.

she said "mama".
yes, you heard me. "mama"
i was stunned.
so i said "mama?? did you say MAMA?????!!!!"

slowly, carefully, as if to choose her word with precision, she said it again "ma ma"  "ma ma"  "ma ma"

then she smiled. so very proud of herself.

if i was crying before, now i was really crying...pure sobbs of amazing gut wrenching joy.

"mama" i repeated with a giant beaming smile
"ma ma" she replied carefully, followed by a beaming smile of her own
"mama!!"
"ma ma"

over and over.

the.best.moment.of.my.life.

as if she knew i needed her. she's supposed to be the one needing me, but in that moment...in my desperation...my pleads...my need for her to find peace, she gave peace to me. what a gift from the Almighty, this one. she speaks and it's like an angel singing to my soul.

in post op recovery. about 2 hours after surgery.

the sweet post op recovery nurse who fought for emery to go to the pediatric intensive care unit. i think she just might be an angel. she wanted to make sure emery was ok, and advocated to the doctors on emery's behalf. what a blessing! she came by today to check on our girl :) and got a sweet smile from the little lady.

my mom came for a few hours the first night and i am SO thankful she did! what a blessing to have her there...she even helped as my stand in for emery's chest xray (they wouldn't let me in the xray without taking a preg test to prove i'm not pregnant :) and there was no time)

in the picu (pediatric intensive care)

daddy came to visit for a few hours. he's been working hard taking care of the boys and traveling for work. we've missed him so much, but i know it's torture for him not to be here.

 feeling better this morning after eating a little bit...

 very determined little lady

keeping us overnight for observation. i'm bummed, but better to be sure she's ready and able to maintain. been holding her for 6 straight hours. will need back transplant before the night is out :)

i have coolest story to share. will write later tonight when girl (hopefully) sleeps.

still hoping to be discharged and go home, but it's been a rough morning. emery is very agitated and has been screaming and flailing so much I can't hold her. she finally screamed herself to sleep. uhg. what a hard, exhausting morning for my girl. praying rest will help and we can go home soon. I need a shower so bad...my grease-ball hair could coat a pie pan at this point :)

best news of all... we both slept for 3 hours. oh sleep. I (heart) you :)

just drank formula from a syringe!! breakthrough!!

staying in picu tonight...sweet girl doing really well...higher pain med doses have helped and she's been smiling and happy for the last hour, Praise God!! clint just got here and we are so happy to see him! she's been giggling and laughing with him. hoping for both em and I to get some sleep tonight after clint goes home.

thank you for praying dear friends! I'm so thankful to be here with this brave girl and to see God answering so many prayers! what a difficult, yet amazing experience. she's too cute for words :)

finally got some clothes on this chick!

(see full image)

on our way out of intensive care!! moving em to a regular room...she's doing well! still in pain and won't eat, but wow...what a rockstar! we finally got her out of her skivvies! :)  and even got to walk the halls for a few minuets...she was so happy and just layer on my shoulder...a good distraction.

my baby girl may be in a lot of pain, but there is home on the horizon... maybe today, maybe tomorrow... many others on this floor have a much longer road. as I walked, my heart rejoicing that my girl was calm for a few moments, but I ached for the moms in the rooms we passed by. they, too, long for calm and healing. 

more updates soon.

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www.angiedweldon.com

doing a bit better this morning. she finally slept for a full hour. docs are stopping morphine so we can try to get her to drink. unsure if we will go home today or spend another night. heart rate is finally normal when she is resting. she is so sweet and is content when I am with her...the nurses all stay out of her eye line because she cries if she sees anyone but me :) I'm so grateful that she feels comfort when I am with her. i can literally feel her getting stronger. she was awake and calm for a 1/2 hour this morning. even smiled a bit. oh she's just so amazing! what a fighter!

moments of rest mixed with sobbing. baby girl has slept on and off, but even with morphine the pain is still so strong. praising God for each moment of sleep she can have.

thank you for praying. it means so much to me!!

resting. pray it continues

(see full image)

www.angiedweldon.com

my warrior

(see full image)

we are in the picu (pediatric intensive care unit) right now. sweet girl has done so well!!! palate repair was perfect and the doc was very pleased. she's hardly swollen and looks so good for having major cranial facial surgery!! the nurses have been so amazed by her resilience! 

 when I first saw her in recovery, she was just waking up... she was thrashing a bunch so I picked her up and she was so upset about the iv taped to her foot that she ripped it out... instantly blood shot all over me, the nurses, the walls, everywhere. new iv. giant boot over iv. really really mad emery. she went in and out of sleep... waking up very upset and then calming down. but her heart rate was really high and skyrocketed when she was upset. her oxygen was very low as well. our wonderful nurse wouldn't rest until she made sure emery was ok. after 4 hours of the crying and sleeping and high heart rate, exrays and blood draws and more tubes and wires than I've ever seen, they decided she wasn't stable enough to be admitted to a regular hospital room and put her in the picu to have close observation through the night.

 I haven't put her down yet. at the moment she is resting after a dose of morphine...but every few minuets she wakes up so sad and upset. it's so hard to watch but I'm thankful for each moment under our belt...each moment closer to being healed. closer to smiles and popping avocado slices like candy. I won't be sleeping tonight, but I will be holding and snuggling the most beautiful girl I know. I count it my greatest honor to be able to comfort her through something so traumatic. praise God for his protection over our sweet girl. we truly feel covered in prayer today! 

high heart rate...in way to exray and picu

in surgery

baby girl went into surgery about 15 min ago. oh my heart is surging. I can't stop my hands from shaking. I have so much to say, but for now....I'm so very thankful for so many people praying and loving my girl! oh it's been a long day for her already, but I'm hopeful that God can provide her with the strength she needs.
I'm so grateful for each of you lifting our girl up today! praise God for the tiny little warrior He gave us!!

girl is so calm... been snuggling her for an hour in pre-op...what a blessing! just saw doc...should be giving meds and taking her to surgery in the next 1/2 hour

www.angiedweldon.com

in preop... surgery scheduled for 1 pm

www.angiedweldon.com

prayer

we need it right now. really tough morning already. baby girl is so hungry and upset. getting more and more frantic. leaving now for hospital. please pray she can sleep.

thank you dear friends!

the surgery lowdown

- we arrive at chop at 11:30am tomorrow, surgery to start around 12:30/1pm
- emery and i will stay at chop for 1-3 nights depending on her pain level and ability to drink a bottle. it will take 3-4 weeks for her mouth to heal.
- this surgical procedure is intense, and quite possibly the worst she will experience, as it involves closing the roof (palate) of her mouth. without this palate repair, she would never be able to speak properly. her lip will be repaired approx 6 weeks from now.
- she cannot eat at all tomorrow before surgery and can only have pedialite before 9am. please pray we can survive until surgery without her totally melting down. she becomes frantic and quickly irate when she is overly hungry. i'm sure it has a lot to do with her previous malnutrition.

please join me in praying for...
- a well rested and focused surgical team that will make excellent choices as they are working on such a delicate area.
- no complications from the surgery
- the blessing of kind and compassionate after-care nurses
- powerful pain meds (maybe a few for me too :)
- strength for our little warrior girl as she endures a level of pain most of us will never experience in our lifetime
- emery to allow me to hold and comfort her and share in her pain
- her to feel a supernatural presence
- foster and rowan as they are very worried about their sister
- fast healing. lightening fast :)

we rejoice knowing we are not alone...what would we ever do without such a powerful community of friends and family!

love, ang