for an ultra relaxing weekend at the beach:
6" of snow
perfection :)


the weekend

it's always exciting when friday comes along.
but this weekend is especially special.
for christmas, my hubby planned a weekend gettaway at a (free!) beach house - for this weekend...friday through sunday....starting today.
he scheduled my awesome parents to keep the boys
and even bought me a new shirt and jeans to wear (a luxury around these parts).
i secretly bought him a new outfit too, and since he seldom reads my blog, the secret is safe :)

so, today is friday.
in all of the hecticness of life this past week
i was pleasantly surprised to realize it was friday.
the day we have been dreaming of
i ran out of time last night and didn't get to pack any of our things, nor did i pack any of the kids things...
somehow i need to find time to do that.
the house is a mess.
i have 7 loads of laundry on my bed waiting to be folded.
i did manage to load the dish washer,
but the kids are both getting colds and i'm sure i will forget to pack their humidifiers.
maybe i should re-read this blog before i leave so i will remember :)
i think there is a good chance i won't have time to take a shower,
and i'm quite certian there is a large number of food remnants in every surface of the kitchen floor that won't get vaccumed.
my stack of looming paperwork and bills without stamps will not get mailed
and the pile of etsy items i've been attempting list will not get listed.
i did manage to finish two orders last night, but i totally forgot to mend my husband's sweater (which he put in my sewing room 3 weeks ago)
i still need to call the doc and set up rowan's 2 yr well checkup (since he turned 2 on monday, i guess i should do that :) but i'll take the bet that it will slip away from my mind again.

for once, i'm not letting it bother me.
i'm calmly writing a blog and in a few moments, i'm heading to the train shop with the boys, where they have been begging me to go every day this week.
stuff can wait.
today, i'm in weekend mode a few hours early.
because, after all, i'm going away this weekend! :)


adopted therapy

i haven't blogged about our adoption in a while.
partially because we have had some setbacks this fall...some out of our control, and some just because of the long process, which i had no idea would be so long. i'm starting to understand why everyone says adoption is a lot of work. some days i feel so overwhelmed that i can't even figure out what to do next.
the time frame keeps getting pushed back on the china end. it's looking like 3 years. potentially 3 Christmases, 12 birthdays, countless memories, more days that i wish to calculate, without her.

honestly, i have a hard time talking about it. blogging it even seems more difficult because then it's more real. i don't keep a journal, so my blog is as close as it gets. i know someday i'll want to remember, and someday, i will want her to know all of the pieces. and when she is finally with us, i want to look back and see how God was right with us in the middle of it. right with me, even on days like today.

my ache.
it's tangible.
at all times, i have an ache that seems to keep filling up the spaces of my heart. my mind.
it's never far from me.
sometimes i try not to think about my ache because it's hard to hold back tears.
like at the doctor's office today. i saw a sweet family. 2 boys and a girl. the way our family will look someday.

motherhood is too complicated to write. it's something that i know. it's something that is still a mystery. the love of a mother is so very passionate and protective and all encompassing.
that's how i know our family isn't complete yet.
because i have more to give.

in fact, i often have the same thoughts i did when i was pregnant with foster and rowan.
emotionally i have that same giddy excitement when i think of her.
anticipation. nervousness. ever wondering what she will look like.
i feel protective of her.
i already feel anger and frustration for the future perceptions we will receive because our family will be different.
the very difference that i embrace, i know some will not understand.
from the moment we brought our kids home from the hospital i felt a strong desire to instill the importance of uniqueness. every night as they fall asleep, i tell them they are special. i tell them i am proud of them. i tell them God made them just the way they are supposed to be. i tell them they are unique. i tell them i love being their mom. i tell them they are who God intended them to be and they must embrace it.

i already try to imagine how in the world anyone gets 3 kids dressed, out the door and on time to anywhere.
how will i reconfigure the car seats in my THMV?
will she like our usual 1/2 pb&j with a side of applesauce and a yogurt drink lunch menu?
what if my camera breaks or i loose my memory card when i travel to china to finally meet her?
maybe i should take a backup. but what if i loose my backup?
i often picture her with us at the park. running in the tall grass with the boys at my parent's house. riding on daddy's back like a pony. finger painting in the front yard. falling asleep in my arms.
what color should i paint her room? maybe something soothing and neutral with girlie accents and one of those cascading tulle nets over the head of her bed that i love so much.
will she love me.
will my love be enough to cover the pain that her young age has already experienced.
how will i survive another day without knowing when she will be with me.

do i sound crazy yet?

i struggle to even press "publish" on this post because i know it's not all light and cheery.
because my heart is so full with the unknown.
but i'm putting it out there.
after all, life isn't always light and cheery
and moving through the more difficult will make the brighter side glow that much more.

i'm sure a lot of people think this whole adoption thing is strange.
but to me, it feels like home.
our family is meant to love her.
i am meant to be her mom.

so this is me.
not very patient, not very composed, not very light and cheery at the moment.
but waiting


1977, 1978, 1979

my amazing parents...
before, during and after i came along.
snazzy sideburns and chopper.
i used to hide out in his doghouse and drink from his water dish.
he could jump a 6 foot hedge.
my mom made my dad's superfly suit.
they still have that sheepskin rug
and the reel to reel.
my mom was a rockin 70's chick.
my dad was a suave navy dude.



we have always been close.
closer than our 3.3 year deficit would lead you to believe.

we ordered carrot sticks from a mcdonalds drive through in 1997 in my old gold dodge dakoda and laughed for an hour.
we wore handmade moccasins and drew maps of the woods behind our house.
we cut and dyed each other's hair.
we may have even started the mohawk trend of 2001.
we went on an all out 2am mosquito attack with electric battery operated tennis racket fly swatters in china 2002. the hujin province mosquitoes still avenge their fallen heros.
we played g.i.joes and barbies.
we glued mom's duck back together at least 7 times.
we wrote countless letters back and forth when i moved away to college. i went through them a few weeks ago. i cried for an hour. they were hilarious. precious. amazing.
we made countless silly and ridiculous music videos, mostly to dc talk.
we threw more baseballs and hit more tennis balls than any two people could ever count. in case you didn't know, he has a kick serve that will literally knock your stockings off.
we dreamed of growing up and all that would mean.
we talked of life and love and things of the world.
we pondered who we would be and wondered who we would marry.
we prayed together.

he is one of the people that i admire most in the world.
he has taught me that the most influential people are also the most humble and selfless.

i see his influence in my life more and more.
i often try to imagine how he would react in a tough situation.
i always conclude that he wouldn't be judgemental. he wouldn't gossip. he wouldn't jump to conclusions. he wouldn't spaz out and say something mean.
he wouldn't do the many things that i unfortunately do all the time.
he would be genuine.
he would be kind.
he would smile.
he would feel at ease and calm.
he would make you feel loved even when you don't feel lovely.
even when your jeans have holes and your heart is hurting.
he would give you a hug.
he would ask how he could help.
he would tell you he cares and he would mean it.
that's how he is.
that's who he is.

there are usually 2 little pitter-patters weaving in and out now-a-days.
always and ever wanting their favorite uncle to make them fly like buzz lightyear or swoop like and airplane. they dream of playing with his treasured vehicles housed high atop his childhood closet. they swat him with a sword they have fashioned or whizz a ball dangerously close to his head. they tackle him when he isn't looking and share their cookies with him. they wear his winter hats with pride and listen to him sing them to sleep every night. they talk about him when he isn't there. they say things like, "this is my favorite. it's uncle Stephen's car. it's really old. it's special."

i am blessed to celebrate one of the most influential people i will ever meet.
he's 28 today
28 years of blessing into my life.
28 years of joy.
i look back and pray that my kids have the friendship and love for each other that we have.
i have a childhood filled with the best things of life.
it is filled with my brother.


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