shower or blog. shower or blog.

naps. oh the glory. there is something heavenly in the silent moments of children napping.
the monitor spills tranquil sounds of the boys sleep music and it wafts rejuvenation throughout the house.

should i shower or blog. shower or blog. it would be really nice to stop smelling like a sweaty farm hand. but then again, i could just take a shorter shower, and linger a little longer with my new iced coffee obsession paired with my literary needs. i've felt blank recently. blank in the literary way. it's very unlike me. i can usually write about anything and turn any two sentences into 12. see, i just did it. maybe i'm back :)

the past few weeks have been filled, nay, jammed with activity. we spend most days out-and-about. jetting out half past breakfast, i'm usually winging it coffee in hand, and never without loosing my keys and/or phone somewhere along the walk to the car. we have a large array of daily activity options, most including something free. some spontaneous, some well planned and others not-so-much.
we've been spending very, very little down time.
if the test of my patience were the LSATS, i would be right up there with 'Elle Woods'...barely getting by :)

we are typically in-and-around home people.
i love, nay, crave days with no adjenda and only time on our hands to wander and finger paint and play with some sort of makeshift water feature. before we sold our house, i had lots of things at kid level. markers. paper. hoodie hooks. large toy baskets. an indoor loop around the downstairs for hotwheels and scooters. they knew where their toys were, they knew how to put them away. we would lay around and laugh. wrestle. jump on couch cushions, read books or get muddy searching for bugs. i didn't know how much i missed it until we didn't have it anymore. our in-and-around homeness.

in the absence of permanent living conditions, we are newly out-and-about people.
i've found out just how little i previously regarded the normal, everyday mess that children make. we would always jump up, throw clothes on and bound out of the house (usually running late) with miscellaneous toys and breakfast items running a muck as we closed the door and forgot all about the impending homestead mess.i didn't think twice.
i have this brilliant idea that cleaning comes last and kids come first. it's quite wonderful actually. perhaps its half lazy and half brilliant. :)
in all honesty,  i don't want my kids remembering how much i cleaned, rather how much i sat on the floor kicking it up with them.  i can often overlook a little dust on my picture frames, or extra crumbs under the high chair because after all, it's my house.
don't get me wrong. i savor a clutter free table and the glisten of freshly cleaned flooring. i dream of organized file bins and everything-in-it's-place closets. there is nothing quite so refreshing as waking up to a clean-as-a-whistle kitchen, and my batootie is much happier when resting upon a mr. clean toilet.

one thing i've learned over the past few years is that our day moves smoother when i let go and leave the mess for the moments of peaceful slumber when i can scour the counter tops on my own time.

but now, living in someone else's home, i'm making a conscious effort to always-upon-always leave the house in a perfected non-child-wrecked state. i vacuum, pick up, put back, straighten, scuffle, scour the living space each and every time we depart.  i just don't feel right about subjecting our kind house sharers to the natural disaster that comes with little fingers and toes. and i'm sure they appreciate not stepping on random fighter jets as they peruse the kitchen.

in an effort to be honest, i just have to say, i'm loosing it a little. some days, i'm loosing it a lot. maybe its the stress of knowing we have no promising housing prospects on the horizon, or a strange nervous anticipation because our adoption is progressing, or perhaps it's just the stress of so much transition and all of the out and about.

everyday i find it increasingly difficult to (a.) maintain a non-irritated vocal tone when the boys dump a bucket of domino's and proceed to catapult them across the floor as we are walking out the door, (b.) clean the same exact area 4 times (c.) keep my sanity. (d.) suppress my desire to rip open a carton of chocolate peanut butter ice cream, smack a large spoon right dab in the middle and eat myself into a fat induced coma.

so we are out-and-about. all the time. everyday.
most days, it works out well. we pack a giant man sized pouch of fruit, an array misc lunch items, a change of clothes varied enough for a football team, and one of those giant blue ikea bags full of random toys (today it was 2 fishing poles, 4 fish, and a baseball bat. yesterday it was 3 tonka bulldozers and a pile of wifle balls).
my car looks more like a moving van on the verge of transforming into a trash compactor.

yesterday, i got caught up in our barrage of never being home.
nothing was specifically out of sorts, well, nothing except for me. i couldn't get my attitude to turn positive. i was sick of not having a house. sick of no air conditioning. sick of my kids running a muck and acting as if i was too busy. and guess what? i was. too busy. too selfish and irritated to stop and just "be" with them. too full of complaints to even glimpse the fact that i don't have it all together, so i should stop letting my non-togetherness get to me.

at some point, everyone looses the control of having everything under control. right?
i sure hope so. because right now, this very moment, i'm out of control. i-can't-handle-another-minuet-of-me-tyring-to-control-EVERYTHING. i'm controlling myself crazy, that's what i'm doing.
i'm sure my husband would confess i have used up every complaint possible and i shouldn't be allowed to complain any more.
i'm confessing that i am over it. i'm letting go.

i'm starting today.

i walked outside with the boys. i closed my eyes, took about 45 deep breaths, and lingered. and listened.
i played baseball with rowan.
i chased him as he giggled and we rolled around in the grass. i couldn't remember how long it had been since we grass rolled. too long.
we stayed in the grass and oohed and awed over foster learning to ride his new green bike.

                                  we found 5 baby frogs. i found out rowan is no longer afraid of them.

                                           found lollypops and barefeet are a perfect conbination.

                                        found an indoor tennis court that allows lollypops and barefeet

found the planets we made last month in the garage and also found 15 new questions i have no idea how to answer. "why don't planets grow?" "what is inside of planets?" "where are planets going?" seriously. i'm not a scientist. i need help. how in the world does a 4 year old think about these things! i've never once wonder why planets don't grow. well, at least not until today :)

                             

                                                                 i remembered how much i love little shoes.

and my mom's laugh

and boys in hats

i discovered my camera again. it's soothing qualities. it's ability to make all things beautiful and interesting.

and we found a place to rest.

after dinner, i jumped in the pool with my clothes on because it made the boys laugh.

and guess what i found?
life is better when i don't try to control it.
in fact, i'm better. i laugh more. i listen a LOT more. and my kids smile...that's the best part :)