thought stream...maybe it's more like a babbling brook

i realized this past week that i'm supposed to be homeschooling. yes, i know, a little late to realize it :)
we've just been living life and learning as we go along, but the recent weeks have caved into mayhem and i've been scrambling through our days...a feeling i hate. scrambled...even worse then my usual juggle. it always leads to frustrated and snapping at the kids over something stupid...feeling eternally behind and unprepared. knowing i'm not giving them my best with so much on my plate. knowing i should have gotten up earlier. knowing i should have spent the last night planning ahead instead of checking emails or doing whatever it was that i was overwhelmed with.
i'm out of whack. i've hit the place i hate...feeling like a failure...and knowing it's not all in my head.



for the first time in, well, years, i find myself unable to find time to blog.
maybe, in reality, it's more of feeling unable to have anything of note to blog about. i went back a year or two and read some of my past writings. i can hardly believe my own creativity because i don't feel like i've got the same juice anymore.
my brain is clogged. bogged. unable to think of anything new.



feverishly, i've been putting together a care package for Emery to send to her in the orphanage. it's mind boggling to narrow down a list and think of what i really want to send...there isn't a box big enough. but knowing it might not actually reach her, and knowing postage is a small fortune, and on the off shot chance that it does find it's way to her little arms, what are really the most important things i can send?? 
i'm settled on these, among a few other things...
-a little lovie blankets, which i will sleep with for a few days and seal in a ziplock during it's shipment so hopefully she can know me a little without realizing it.
-a photo album with pictures of us and our names in chinese...i somehow finagled 'paint' to add the chinese characters like this...although it nearly drove me to insanity-ville.

("big brother" and "we love you so much!")

-disposable cameras that will hopefully come home with her full of photos of her daily life and the people who have loved her in my absence.
-oh, and me. i'm planning on hiding away and skipping through customs...i think i can squeeze her in for the UPS shipment back home...she and i can snuggle on overnight express and be home by monday :)



i'm working my way through my to-do-list so i can actually open my etsy shop again. but i'm also finding that the evenings are good for more than just sewing. things like laundry and meal planning and lesson plans and binge eating. oh that's right, hellooo husband? do i know you? haven't seen you in a few months. shall we hang out??



speaking of my husband...he got up with the kids today. he graciously let me sleep in. he made pancakes and took the kids out in the snow all morning while i got to take the longest shower possible, and take a few moments to relax without mayhem. it was glorious. i mean, seriously. any mom can tell you. an hour or two alone is priceless.

and then i stepped outside to snowballs and giggles and smiles to snap a few of these...and i loved the mayhem all the more. it's beautiful. beautiful mayhem.

the overwhelmed and the scramble. the failures and the never ending everything. 
it won't last forever. in fact, it will only last a few more years. and those will be gone in a flash. a flash that has such an impact, i had better learn to enjoy it. embrace it. enjoy the mayhem. let got of my own agenda. breath in the joy of all of the little things. find new ways to rejuvenate who i am and who i want to be. be true to my God who is calling me to be a mom who embraces life...the life that God has set out before us. outrageous, life-filled, little moment seizing, no-so-ordinary, life.

whew. glad i got that out there. my thought stream is longer than i realized. blog federations of long windedness will be conducted in my honor after this post :)