the celery stalk of fashion

i discovered an alarming fact yesterday.
it shocked me to my vegetable core.
i'm unable to re-enter the world of fashion.
i'm no fashionista, but i have always been able to fake it when needed.
throw on something semi-cool with heels and act like i don't live in comfy pants and TOMS.
but i've reached the point i never EVER thought i would reach...
i couldn't find ANYTHING that looks remotely like something i would wear.

i walked through 8 stores yesterday, sans children (oh thank you THANK YOU dear husband). i was on the hunt for a funky yet demure dress for a jet-set wedding this weekend in NC. my dear and incredible college roomies will all converge to celebrate one of our own. i'm wicked excited, and counting the moments until i get to squeeze these ladies i love so much.
but i need a dress.
i attempted to borrow clothes from my drop-dead-gorgeous sister in law (hmm, somehow i'm not a size 4 anymore...shocking) but didn't find a single item that would embrace my celerocity.
yes, you heard right...celerocity.
that's what i've got.
celerocity for days.

it's a serious vegetable issue.
other than the fact that i've enetered a rather unhealthy junk food phase (which has subsequently added 5lbs to my frame)
i am a vegetable.
a celery stalk to be specific.
it's nothing short of problematic in the clothing department.
sort of tall, sort of lean, sort of not.

(me. irritated. i can't look anymore. can't i just wear this to the wedding? it's the only thing that fits.)

i'm basically a rectangle with a squooshie midsection.
the adorable belted fashions popping up everywhere are lovely...

if only i could pull this off. (found here)

but have you ever tied a string around a stalk of celery? i oddly have no indication of where a lovely curvy wasteline should be.
celery and belts don't mix.
fine, i'll move on.

but i need a dress.
one that doesn't look like this:

or this:

or this:

there is a strange void.
i am a little lost 30-something celery stalk.
somewhere in between bedazzled christmas sweaters and the ability to throw on a little dress and heels and pull it off.
there certainly aren't any zones set aside for my very stalky self.

and so i ask you...retail world...

where does the 30-something celery stalk fit in?

i came home a few stalks short. i did purchase one dress (which barely zipped up the back...thanks celery caboose) and i hope to redeem it with tall black boots, which seem to make my leggy legs look even leggier. perhaps they will detract from all the celery i have going on...or perhaps i'll let go of my unstylish self, and just have a great weekend :)

i realized on the way home
i'm ok
there's a lot more to life than faking out my stalk into thinking it's 20 again.
and i'm ok with it.