{depression, lovely clefts and the ultimate Love}

it's been a while coming, but i'd like to transverse the mountain of post adoption depression.
the more i've been honest about this season in my life, the more i'm finding other mom's who have been through something similar.

it must be said that i'm no expert. this is a subject that effects many people very differently. my experience deals deeply with the trauma of surgery...but i know for many others, their situations and feelings are different. i don't claim to know everything, but i feel compelled to share my story...even just to open the door of honesty.

as i've been healing, i realized how hard it is to be honest.
it takes courage i often don't have, and i felt raw and exposed when i first blogged about it.
like a failure. a big, fat looserish failure.

but there is something special about this thing called honesty.
honesty produces freedom because God can't heal what we don't admit is real.

i'll be the first to say our experience adopting Emery is better than i could have imagined.
we feel as though she's been here all along and i'll always post about the awesomeness.
the miracle of adoption.
she is a fantastic blessing and we marvel at the wonder that is Emery.
the happy posts aren't fake...they are the reason i love to blog so i can remember the beauty of our days amidst the chaos.
it's important to verify the honor that is motherhood.
to speak out against the negative and embrace this time of our life with joy, even when it's a downright exhausting day.

and it isn't always happy everything.
and amid the beauty and joy, i discovered a devastation that i never thought could happen to me.
i mistakenly thought i was too strong. too in control. too qualified to allow depression to sink into my joy.
boy oh boy, what an arrogant person to think i could overcome something i can't control.
{you can read what i wrote in the thick of my despair here}

it's brutal. horrible. and unlike anything i've ever experienced.
you can't just snap out of it. 
it needs to be talked about.
it needs to be out there.
depression of any kind isn't something anyone likes to talk about, least of all me.
in fact, i think it needs to be a part of pre-adoption training, although i have no idea if that would have even helped.

** there is also something serious to be said about the spiritual warfare involved with adoption. a child being brought home to their family isn't something the enemy wants to happen. i believe much of what i experienced was the onslaught of defeat and inability to rely on God's protection and security. it was only after intense prayer (on my behalf by close friends/family) and reading over and over God's Word that i began to walk slowly out of the fog.

i can clearly identify the snapping point in my emotional state.
it was more than the "after the airport" - (best article for post-adoptive families, or anyone in recent transition)
it happened alongside of emery's first surgery in september 2011 and the weeks of intense recovery that followed.
(read  here , here and here to catch a glimpse)

they told me it would be really brutal to see her come out of anesthesia. they weren't kidding. it was more like a scene from alien than a recovery room. it wasn't the blood splattering the walls from her ripping out IV's or the stitches covering the inside of her mouth. it was her anguish. her torture. seeing the emotional toll it drained on her spirit to be confined. tied down. forced into something she didn't consent to. writhing in pain and confusion.
the screaming and anguish continue for hours. then days. then weeks. even oxycontin and morphine couldn't touch the pain deep within her soul.

i realized just how deeply she was scarred from her life before us. how painful it was for her to relive the feelings of being alone and her inability to receive comfort.
my insides hurt just remembering it.

it changed me. i became bitter and angry. furious that we had to repair what was already beautiful.

she had already been abandoned at birth. passed around by caregivers. strapped to a chair for so long that the straps dug deep scars into her back and chest. starved when she was clearly able to eat. igrnored when she cried out in pain. left to spend hours on end alone on her back. taken away from her homeland by people speaking another language. given unfamiliar food, crib, toys, clothes, smells.
and now, just when our relationship feels settled and trustworthy, i hold her as she flails and screams, and i can't take the pain away.

emery seemed to heal faster than i did. after a month of tears and screaming and night terrors, her stitches dissolved and her scars healed.

trying to decipher why i couldn't let go of the anger and loneliness.

when we said goodbye to her cleft in december 2011, i hit an all time low.
(you can read about it here, here) 

i grieved deeply the loss of how she was created, but i knew that most people didn't understand, so i couldn't talk about it. it sounds strange to miss a cleft lip.

if you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know i'm crazy in love with her new lips. she looks just as beautiful as always. she's an angel of perfection...we gawk at her constantly and marvel at the loveliness that is emery.
it's just that changing the original felt wrong. inconsiderate of the way God intended her to be. it literally felt painful to my soul.






i realize repairing a cleft is more than just cosmetic. the repair aids eating and dental structure and speech and breathing. ear tubes repair faulty ear drainage pathways.
i'm not saying i would have left her unrepaired. i'm not saying that.
actually i did say that to someone. and i got the look. and a very stern: "you're not serious, are you? you wouldn't really leave her like that? would you?"
and in my mind, i voraciously bit their head off. i screamed and yelled and said awful cuss words.
in my mind.
in real life, i smiled, and went about my day.
harboring deep anger at the world for not feeling what i feel.

---------
i've since made peace with the world.
the anger has dissipated and i see freshly the love my Savior has for me, even in my heartache.
especially in my heartache.

my experience of dipping into the depths of my anger has brought new light on the fact that many people just don't know. they don't know that a cleft really isn't all that bad. in fact, it's quite charming.
i am reminded that i didn't know it either before i gazed into those deep dark eyes...felt her slender hands in mine...and kissed those little lippies so sweetly.

and after all is said and done, i've learned that God is present. walking in the depths with me.
a lesson worth any amount of anguish.







the truth is, you don't know know how this thing called adoption is going to effect you. your family. your marriage. the world around you.

it will be hard.
exhasuting.
isolating.
there will be challenges you've never faced as a parent or as a human.
you will learn things about yourself that you don't like.
you will love a child so much it hurts.
you might even feel so inadequate that you don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

if you are considering adoption, you need to know it will be hard. receiving a gift of this imeasurable magnitude cannot be met without challenges...or else it wouldn't be quite so valuable.

or, if you have friends who have adopted, you need to know their family is going through a major transition and odds are, they need you, even if you don't know how to help.

if you are considering adoption, you also need to know something else. 
it's crazy awesome. 
best decision i've ever made.
ever.
i'm willing to be honest about the hard times because i know they aren't what shines through at the end of the day.
when my baby girl wispers "mama, mama" with a smile as i rock her to sleep...any challenges we faced during the day don't exist anymore.
i'm her mama. plain and simple.

these children...born of our bodies or our hearts...they are powerful tools for God's purpose.
our calling as Moms and Dads is a high one, of which i am not worthy.

it's no wonder there is a spiritual battle over these little ones. each has a spirit of power, a God given soul impact on life. a power story of God's Love.

but we have to be willing to be honest about where we are.
honest with God, even when our honesty isn't pretty or even rational.
honest with each other instead of simply saying "i'm fine."
and honestly allowing our souls to accept the deep and wide Love of our Creator.

we walk this journey together, you and i.
God created us to connect and know we are in life together.
there is power in praying each other through hard times, walking the long road side by side, and trusting God to fulfill us when we can't take another step.

if someone is honest with you? you must be willing to see them with compassion and zero judgement.
this isn't a joke.
recovering when devastation hits is vital for our families, for our marriages, for our walks with Christ
and we are all a part of it.



whew. anyone with me?
can i get an amen?