happiest birthday

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"my girl turns 2 today. i've dreamt of her first birthday home for so long. the perfect party with her wearing the perfect dress and eating the perfect cake. dreaming of holding her and capturing a piece of what i missed out on the day she was born. i'm struck with sadness all at the same time. wondering if another mama, far from here, is struck in the same way. does she remember? does she wonder about that little bundle? maybe she's crying a few tears today as well. we have that in common. and we share a daughter. i wish she could glimpse the amazingness God created in her womb. she was present for emery's forming. for her first heartbeat. for her beautiful cleft being crafted. for her first breath of air. i wish it were me. oh how deeply and painfully i wish it were me. i would want emery to be exactly who she is...Asian and beautiful and smart and witty and born with a cleft...but of my body. i want her to have just one mama. to never wonder about the unanswered questions on this day we are celebrating. i long to have held her first. to see her tiny frame with my own eyes and hold her against my chest. to know her birth weight. her family history. to know her birth story. the exact moment of the day she arrived. i'm surprised to feel sadness today. as i hold her, i ponder today, may 26th. as friends and family buzz through, sweetly helping us pack boxes and belongings into our huge moving truck, i cry. her first birthday home isn't perfect as i had planned. her original birthday wasn't perfect either. but i'm holding her. her head is against my chest. she finds comfort in my presence. my arms. she squeezes her lovey blanket and holds my hand as we watch the box parade. she locks eyes with me and smiles with her whole self. we laugh and giggle and sing her favorite song. my mind knows she isn't my biological daughter...but my heart doesn't believe my brain. she feels biological. she feels like part of my soul. like we've been together all along. i wasn't there 2 years ago. but i'm here now. watching my little spunky girl chase her brothers and weave around boxes. put on chapstick and color with markers. feed her baby dolls and dance on the couch in her swirly dress. my heart may feel sadness over what i missed, but it overflows with crazy love when i think of how incredible it is to be called her mom. she's the best parts of everything and i'm so thankful God made her exactly the way she is. (photo is her finding ad taken a few days after her birth. it is her only baby photo.) "
(taken at happiest birthday )