is it adoption? {or just a 2 year old?}

so often, i find my self asking the same question. i analyse and over analyze.
when crazy stuff happens...when we have an entire day filled with tantrums and crying. when my little girl throws herself on the ground and thrashes her arms and legs because i told her it was time to put her makeup away. when i ask her to eat a bite of her breakfast, but she doesn't like it. so she slams her head back and shoves the plate across the table, spilling eggs and orange juice everywhere.

is it adoption? or is it just a 2 year old?

over the past few weeks, i've been met with more screams than smiles.
my girl is working through something, but i don't know what it is yet.

i love capturing beautiful moments with my kids. with her. because they are real and true and beautiful.
but there is truth happening in between those beautiful moments that must be captured as well.
a lot of realness that can be confusing and frustrating to understand.

i'm writing about it because that's how i process and i'm hoping that in trying to find my way through, maybe someone reading will have advice or insight because they've been there.
in a season with more screams than smiles.

the past 3 weeks have been especially "real." maybe more along the lines of "horrible" but that sounds mean. so i'll say "real" instead. it's more politically correct, i'm sure.
i've had more than a few days when i felt unequipped. incapable. exhausted beyond sleep.
it's mental, emotional, spiritual exhaustion. and yet, the day continues.

if anyone had asked me about how my attachment with emery was going 3 weeks ago, i would have honestly said it's not much of an issue any more. for the most part, we had found a place of peace. even keel. tantrums were present but becoming increasingly minimal. she was finally in a place of asking for help instead of screaming and clawing and hitting. she was sleeping through the night at least 4 out of 7 nights a week. progress in conjunction with sleep was making us all happy people. she's been home a year...it's like she's always been here. we. can. breathe.

so in light of our attachement confidence, clint and i planned a weekend away for our 9th anniversary. a peaceful, wonderful 48 hours together. since he traveled so much this past year, he had free points for a hotel so we gallivanted to the lovely city of baltimore, ate tons of food and slept. a lot. perhaps 1/2 of the weekend was spent asleep. it. was. awesome.
the kids stayed with my parents and had a lovely time. emery, surprisingly, didn't have any obvious issues being apart from us. i was so proud of her...her confidence in our family...her ability to take it all in stride.

and then monday came. oh monday. she woke up screaming. spend the day flailing and angry about everything. fought me to eat and sleep and play. screamed at brothers and made me wonder what on earth was going on.

it has been 3 weeks since our baltimore getaway...and not much has changed. everything seems to make her angry. she screams at night like she used to...back when everything was new and she was terrified. she has regressed to hitting me and the boys when she doesn't get what she wants. and the meltdowns? oh my. it feels like we went back in time 6 months. back to a place that made the whole house feel like a battlefield. when i forced myself to stay calm even though i want to cry. when the boys have to entertain themselves doing who knows what because mommy has to ignore all other parts of life and focus time and love and energy on their sister.

it can be frustrating.
but most of all, sad. very very sad. heartbreaking.

from what i can tell, she is acting out because she felt unsafe or uncertain when we went away. she didn't know where we went or if we were coming back. she can't say "i feel worried. scared. afraid." she has no ability to tell us what she feels. if i couldn't speak, i'd be pretty darn angry too.

i'm not trying to minimize the wonderful spots in our day. because they are still there. we snuggle and laugh and do silly things. play in the sandbox and squirt each other with the hose. she is happy and plays and chases brothers. we hug and she shares toys and eats ice cream and helps me make dinner. we work on family projects and do the normal stuff.

it's the escalation that has changed. her tolerance of brother's playing with a toy she likes or mommy telling her it's time for bed.

she doesn't whimper or whine.
she yells.

screams words at me that i don't understand. my inability to understand only makes it worse. it infuriates her.

last week she refused to allow daddy to hold her or put her to bed...something that hasn't been an issue in over 9 months.

this week, she started rejecting me and noticeably choosing daddy over me.

throughout the day, she will refuse to be held when i can't give her what she wants. she will run from me, screaming and yelling across the room, when previously she would have run into my arms.

i keep telling myself, "she's trying to tell me she is hurt. i'm going to listen to what she is trying to say and not take it personally."

but the non-verbal-ness of our life is becomeing increasinly frustrating for emery.
we found out last week during her speech therapy evaluation that emery's verbal conprehension (what she understands) is astonishingly 2 months ahead of her age!
(seriously smart, bright, intellegent girl over here) 
...but her verbal communication skills are the age of a 12 month old.  can you imagine understanding everything, but being unable to speak? talk in giberish for a whole day and see what you get accomplished. it's rough.

a prime example happened at the pool on friday. we met up with 4 dear friends and their kids. swimming children where everywhere and emery wanted in and out and in and out of the pool. she wanted held and put down. up down, up down. the usual. i roll with it and try to oblige children in all directions.

my 4 year old, (who gets shy and uncertain when lots of kids are around) was hanging close by. he wanted so badly for me to swim with him. to spend some time together. to practice his newly learned underwater swimming. at least 10 times i told him,
"in a minuet buddy...mommy needs to help emery stop crying...help emery get a snack...help emery...on and on."
it breaks my heart when i have to choose one child's needs over the other. i knew he needed a special moment with me. he's the one who reacts most when sister is having a hard day.

{someday i'll post about the dynamic between the two of them. it's a long post. wrought with real sibling love, but also with tears and a mom who feels deep guilt for the year my middle child has had.}

he had been begging me to help him jump off the diving board....for the first time with no life jacket.
a big moment in kid land.
emery was destracted with friends and bopping around on the deck eating snacks so we headed to the deep end. she saw me swim away and immediately started screaming for me to come back. so i went back, while 4yo headed for the diving board. i told her i was going to help brother jump off the diving board and she could help me cheer him on. no way. she wasn't having it. she clung to me and would not let go. it was one of those "you are making such a big scene, everyone in a 2 mile vicinity is staring at us" moments.

"come on mom! please mom, i really want to jump!"
i could hear 4yo calling from the diving board, ready to dive off. the other kids were lined up behind him. waiting. rooting him on.

so i peeled her screaming body off of mine...but held her up so her flailing didn't land her on the cement of the pool deck. a dear friend picked her up and held her on their lap. the sign of a great friend. she contorted in 1,000 ways, but my dear friend held on, all the while speaking calmly.

i swam to the deep end. "i'll be right back emery! look, i'm right here! (wave) cheer for brother!!"

screaming. flailing. horror.

after a moment of coaxing, brother jumps. we all cheer and root for him. his friends and big brother congratulate him and he his confidence soars. he wants to keep jumping.

so i wave at emery (still screeching) while i tread water.
rowan jumps 5 more times...he beams with pride and we high five a million times.
it's a moment i want to remember always...the look in his eyes...so proud of himself.

i take a moment to swim back to emery, who stops screaming she sees me heading in her direction.
"hi sweetie! good job calming down!! come swim with mama!"

she scowls. and pulls away, clinging to my friend who is holding her and refuses to let me get close.

and i cried. on the inside, of course. on the outside i held it together.
her pain was so raw. she wanted me to know how much she is hurting. how much she needs to know i'm not going to leave her.
i smiled and said, "ok, sweetie, i'll hold you when you're ready" and tried not to make a big deal. within a few moments, she was bopping around and seemed to forget about her little stint. i picked her up and she laid her head on my shoulder.

and i wondered. what is going on within my sweet baby?

is it adoption? or is this just a 2 year old?
perhaps a tender mixology of both.


there is also an extreem element of control.
she demands it. does anything to maintain it.

her desire to be in control is so extreme that i often find myself questioning how to harness it.

during her 14 months in china, she had no control over any part of her life. no control over her hunger. pain. loneliness. no control over who held her or how they treated her. it changed the way she reacts to life. each step of this journey shows just how deeply the first year of life impacts a persons' future. their world view. their capacity to trust.

my tender, sweet, lovely girl. in many ways, she came out of her former circumstances resilient and capable of conquering huge obstacles. she can be flexible and tender and loving. but following close beside is her need to have control of something. anything. everything. it can be very intense.

i am re-reading "The Connected Child" (thanks to the reminder from my friend who has been experiencing something similar) and seeing out advice from friends who have walked this road.
i'm trying my best to give her choices throughout the day to help empower her and give her the security of knowing we value what she thinks and feels about life.

but what about dealing with those feelings of being out of control? that's a huge part of life that we all must deal with. 
how do i help her manage it?

what's funny is most people don't get to see this side of her.

she so dainty.
much smaller in person than pictures portray.
she's kind and gentle and very caring.
she looks out for people around her and has a silly, magnetic personality.


but there is a side to her that is full of pain and anger.
she was a lone warrior. adopting her didn't take away her pain.
after a year of endless hugs and kisses and weeks on end spent holding her and singing to her and meeting every physical and emotional need possible... she still doubts me.


is there any truer example of the way i react to my Savior? this entire adoption journey continues to strike me as a reflection of the way i doubt Gods ability and desire to love and comfort me. protect and provide for me. it's profound to see it right in front of me, over and over.

what i have to give will never be enough for her. i can't fill the depth of her soul...where her deepest pain lives.

but praise the Lord, we were created to be filled and healed by our Creator.

i have no idea when we will get back our place of peace, but i know this season in our relationship as a family is important. God wants me to see my own doubt as i watch emery's. to see the ways i reject the One who matters most...and how painful that rejection is.

is it adoption? is it our relationship with God?
it's a delicate mixology.
more than what can be expressed or imagined.
and the joy that is found within all of this uncertainty is greater than i can ever describe.




are there any mama's out in blogland who have advice? experience with these things??  i'd love to hear from you.
(ps. if you leave a comment, please be sure that you add a public email address to your google profile so i can write back to you...or include it in your comment. there are so many people i would love to write back to, but sadly, they don't have a public email address.)