Mystery Mama {ode to my daughter's first mom}

Mystery Mama, I wish you were here today.
Today of all days, you should be here. Our daughter turns 3 today.
Watching her open gifts and boss her brothers around...you should be here. You should get to take a turn chasing her on the scooter she learned to ride last week and giggling when she dances in her new sunglasses to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Mystery Mama, we haven't forgotten about you.
I think of you often, and we talk about you. At night, when I'm rocking her and loving her, I wonder if you think about her, too. Do you walk the same streets now that you did when she was a part of you, and wonder where she is? Do you remember her tiny, beautiful face? I long to show you pictures. Videos. Firsts and Seconds and Hundreds of moments that you missed. I want you to know this magnificent creature that is the daughter we share. You are important to me. To our child. Our family.

Mystery Mama, sometimes I'm angry with you.
She needed you, just as much as she needed me. She still needs you, so very deeply. We all do. We need to know you and for you to know us. We need to fill in the other half of our family tree.
I want to know many things, like her family history and her great great grandparents names. How much she weighed when she was born and what you labor was like. I want to know how you felt about her.
And I want to know why. Why why why. It will always be lingering. The "why" question that we long to have an answer to.

Mystery Mama, I'm thankful for you.
You are special and beautiful and the amazing child we share was crafted perfectly within you.
I long to reverse time.
Reverse my genes, my genetics, my ethnicity.
I long to be you.
To be the exact one who was given the blessing of this child from the very first moment.
But clearly, I wasn't the perfect one to conceive her. Carry her. Channel life to her.
You were. Mystery Mama, you were the perfect one God chose to bring her into this world. And that's a gift we can't ever begin to thank you for.

Today, we celebrate her and we celebrate you, Mystery Mama. Even when tears fall as we wrestle with the reality of your mystery, we will honor you and we will not forget what you have given to us.

she + i

she and i spend a lot of days like this.

her in my arms, snuggling, giggling, crying, thinking, jabbering about all types of things.
though my arms tire, my heart never does.

holding a wee one in their greatest as well as saddest moments is of the deepest treasures not just in motherhood, but life in general.

i am deeply moved by brave birth moms and foster moms who hold children for brief moments but love for a lifetime.

relief workers, doctors, selfless friends who care for orphans lost in the system...not knowing what the future holds for the sweet children they are blessed to have cared for, but knowing each one is a unique and fantastic ball of potential.

to love a child deeply...even from afar when oceans or death separates...is one of the most beautiful and painful blessings that God created.

and i am ever grateful for the people who cared for my daughter when an ocean separated.
it strikes me at random moments...the knowledge that we have an extended family we won't ever know.
it's painful and sad and perhaps the most difficult part of our journey as a family. it isn't just for her to bear alone. she will not grieve by herself when she one day realizes the loss she suffered in her early moments of life. we will all grieve with her. the loss of ones first family is perhaps the greatest of all losses, second only to loosing a child, which emery's birth family has suffered. there aren't many words i can say to make it "all better." but i will hold her. i will talk when she wants to talk. be silent when she wants to be silent. and i will never let her story be far from my lips. not because she is always "adopted" but because she is always my child and her story is important. her birth family is important even though we may never know the circumstances that led to their painful choice. we know God created a most fantastic treasure from their bloodline. He fashioned her in her birth mother's womb in a most perfect way. i am grateful to the woman who carried my child when i physically couldn't. but it is painful. i cry any time i think of her, this woman we know so well (because we know her child.) i know she must have been fantastically bright and witty. she most likely had incredibly long and full dark hair and piercing large, deep brown eyes. she was most likely petite and slender, with the most perfect of all golden skin. she most likely ate lots of noodles, eggs, rice, green vegetables, potatoes and fruit when she was pregnant because her daughter prefers those items to all others. and i believe she loved the child in her womb. she chose to carry her and give birth to her. that is love.

i will never understand it all, but i don't shy away from processing it.
because she + i is the most beautiful of all gifts and deserves thought and time. walking alongside of my child through the deepest of all pain is a journey i am honored to be a part of.



(my lovely friend kristen of KC Photography was visiting us last week and captured these sweet moments with me and my gal. since i am rarely captured in my natural habitat with my kids, i treasure every photo that has me + them.
kristen is one of my favorite people. she has passion and hope, even though she has seen some of the deepest injustices of life. she inspires me to love deeper. if you need a local photog, she comes highly recommended :)

she captivates my heart in a way nothing else can. God created her with such passion and beauty...she is truly mesmerizing. to say we adore her is the greatest of all understatements.

 

t-ball nation {team weldon}

at long last, their tball dream came true...the boys are playing on the same tball team together.

they have been more than excited to be team mates, and although little kid tball might be one of the most boring "least exciting" sports of all time, we cheer and scream and root. and when they aren't throwing their gloves up in the outfield or picking grass, they are running the bases like they hit a big leage grand slam.

last week, rowan got his first game ball after snagging 2 grounders like an old pro. he has carried his game ball for 4 days and we relive those plays over and over. he couldn't be more proud of himself.

and then there is the queen of the tball dandlions...

she's quite fond of tball games because the flowers and sugary snacks are both plentiful.