she + i

she and i spend a lot of days like this.

her in my arms, snuggling, giggling, crying, thinking, jabbering about all types of things.
though my arms tire, my heart never does.

holding a wee one in their greatest as well as saddest moments is of the deepest treasures not just in motherhood, but life in general.

i am deeply moved by brave birth moms and foster moms who hold children for brief moments but love for a lifetime.

relief workers, doctors, selfless friends who care for orphans lost in the system...not knowing what the future holds for the sweet children they are blessed to have cared for, but knowing each one is a unique and fantastic ball of potential.

to love a child deeply...even from afar when oceans or death separates...is one of the most beautiful and painful blessings that God created.

and i am ever grateful for the people who cared for my daughter when an ocean separated.
it strikes me at random moments...the knowledge that we have an extended family we won't ever know.
it's painful and sad and perhaps the most difficult part of our journey as a family. it isn't just for her to bear alone. she will not grieve by herself when she one day realizes the loss she suffered in her early moments of life. we will all grieve with her. the loss of ones first family is perhaps the greatest of all losses, second only to loosing a child, which emery's birth family has suffered. there aren't many words i can say to make it "all better." but i will hold her. i will talk when she wants to talk. be silent when she wants to be silent. and i will never let her story be far from my lips. not because she is always "adopted" but because she is always my child and her story is important. her birth family is important even though we may never know the circumstances that led to their painful choice. we know God created a most fantastic treasure from their bloodline. He fashioned her in her birth mother's womb in a most perfect way. i am grateful to the woman who carried my child when i physically couldn't. but it is painful. i cry any time i think of her, this woman we know so well (because we know her child.) i know she must have been fantastically bright and witty. she most likely had incredibly long and full dark hair and piercing large, deep brown eyes. she was most likely petite and slender, with the most perfect of all golden skin. she most likely ate lots of noodles, eggs, rice, green vegetables, potatoes and fruit when she was pregnant because her daughter prefers those items to all others. and i believe she loved the child in her womb. she chose to carry her and give birth to her. that is love.

i will never understand it all, but i don't shy away from processing it.
because she + i is the most beautiful of all gifts and deserves thought and time. walking alongside of my child through the deepest of all pain is a journey i am honored to be a part of.



(my lovely friend kristen of KC Photography was visiting us last week and captured these sweet moments with me and my gal. since i am rarely captured in my natural habitat with my kids, i treasure every photo that has me + them.
kristen is one of my favorite people. she has passion and hope, even though she has seen some of the deepest injustices of life. she inspires me to love deeper. if you need a local photog, she comes highly recommended :)