she was super nervous that first morning. very quiet and reserved. her brother clipped a 'kiss me' key chain on her backpack so anytime she felt sad at school she could kiss the bear and remember mommy is coming back soon. big brothers love her so well.
me on the other hand? i'm quite un-ready for her to be away from me. it's a short amount of time...but it feels L-O-N-G. so i fake it. we talk happily about school every so often, trying hard not to over talk it, all the while i dread every moment.
since that first day, recovery has been a process. she started reverting to previous fear based behaviors and refusing to be comforted. her nightmares have returned, so she sleeps every night on her little bed on the floor next to ours.
i can feel her despair. she cries differently. holds me tighter. sits quieter.
there is so much below the surface...real moments of grief that appear in unpredictable places.
i am blessed that she allows me to stand in the gap next to her. my child knows things about life no child should ever experience.
we do a lot of repetition when we find fear triggers. for example, we repeat her school routine over and over: "get out of car, hang up backpack, circle time, snack, games, MOMMY COMES BACK" over and over and over. she repeats "mommy comes back, mommy comes back" over and over.
her look in this shot so describes how the past few weeks have felt. when i ask her how she felt about school after the first day, she said one word: "bad."
today, her 6th day at school, she came home all smiles, telling me about a friend she sat next to at circle time and goldfish she ate at snack. she smiled and showed off her art project to brothers.
today was a good day.
we push through, even when i don't want to. even when i want to pull her out of school for another year...i know she needs to conquer this fear. i don't want to give her the injustice of living a life of fear. a warrior runs toward the battle, and in this little warrior's life, this is a very real battle we must run toward together.
This post about made me cry!! Sweet Emery. So proud of both of you for tackling this big next step... and I am rejoicing with you for one good day. It's amazing to me how quickly those fear behaviors can come back after changes. We have seen it again and again with Katee with every medical change or even after a week of VBS.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I just have to add that the first picture totally makes me smile. All three of your babies have the same smile. Love it. :)
Everyone is getting so big. I hadn't realized how big Emery was until I saw these photos! Have a fantastic summer.
ReplyDeletePrecious girl. I feel for both of you.. You're doing the right thing, Mama! She is blessed to have you and I pray her fears are erased in the very near future. And what sweet brothers!
ReplyDeleteyou are such a good momma, ang!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Angie, for sharing raw emotion in this bloggy world. For those of us who are a bit behind you in this whole adoption journey, thank you. You write with such conviction, wisdom and love ~ I often find myself nodding in agreement, I get it. I never would have gotten it until Nora came home, but I get it Angie. Much love to you - keep writing and sharing ... you are beautifully illustrating His love for us.
ReplyDeleteNo, I think this will be so good for her! So hard but so good. Her confidence in herself will be forced to grow and it'll be easier for kindergarten in the future! And I bet every day (except
ReplyDeletea few I'm sure) will keep getting better and better.