my positively positive baby

i'm currently 18 weeks pregnant.
there is baby popping out everywhere, it seems...but mostly recently on my backside, which technically should be excempt since the front side automatically gets so large, am i right?

anyway...
there is lot of story behind this baby. a big part of the story has to do with emery and is truly one of the most beautiful things i've ever witnessed. more on that soon...

but the first part of the story starts with our plan of wanting to grow our family in the next 2-3 years. my husband felt strongly about not wanting to go back to the newborn stage, and my involvment in the adoption world keeps my eyes on the thousands of babies that need family. the heartwrenching mini-movies on facebook and emails from friends advocating for waiting children break my heart over and over and causes me to yearn to bring more babies home.

we decided to start saving money to adopt again, i gathered our adoption application and initial documents and looked toward bringing a child home in the next 2-3 years.

on november 16th, we spent a lovely day in philly with my family, exploring the city and enjoying each other.

we got off the train late that night and as i was putting the kids in bed, i felt a wave of nausia that nearly knocked me over. the kind i had felt before and knew instantly wasn't food poisoning or the flu. i finished saying goodnight to the kids and made a b-line for my stash of pregnancy tests.

the first test was positive.
i took another...it was very positive.
and another...positively positive.

i walked downstairs, with my positivly positives in hand to tell my husband the news.
we were both in shock. 
what did this mean for us?
what about our plans for adoption?
where would a baby go in our very small house, already outgrown by 3 busy children?
we had already given away EVERY peice of baby clothing, toys, swings, chairs, car seats, maternity clothes, etc. (even our crib and mattress only weeks before.)
we tried to process what this meant for our family.
neither of us slept much for the next 2 nights.

i felt a lot of confusion. it wasn't the baby i was confused about...i will always rejoice in a baby - it was my heart. i had spent the last few years thinking adoption would be the best fit for our family as well as for emery. she would have a sibling that could related to her in a way that her other siblings could not. we could journey to china together and expirience adoption as a family.
i had plans already worked out in my little brain. i was convinced i knew what was best.

so i confided in a friend. one of the only people i knew who could understand what it feels like to want a baby not born of your body, when you are 100% capable of having biological children. and in my confusion, i spilled out all of my honest thoughts of worry and uncertiantly, knowing she wouldn't judge me, and knowing she would hear my heart.

and do you know what my dear friend did?
she celebrated. she rejoiced.
she told me instantly what a blessing this baby would be and the worry i felt over providing an adoptive sibling for emery was unfounded because i had no idea what God was going to acomplish with this child.
and as only a dear friend can do, God used her to change the attitude and focus of my heart.

and she was right. every word.
i cannot even begin to describe the ways that this baby has shown itself as a promise from God to add to our family in a most special and beautiful way. like no one else on earth could, this baby...chosen for this time in my life, in our family's life...is a beautiful treasure greater than i have never known.
i'm positively positive God's plan is always best. better than best. it's the only plan i want to be a part of.

i will talk more about emery's relationship with the baby soon, but from the moment we told the kids i was pregnant, they have been extatic in ways i never could have imagined. they literally talked about nothing but our baby for a month straight. and after 6 weeks of being totally incompacitated with the most insane and dreadful 24 hour-a-day "morning sickness," their excitetment was just what i needed to make it through.