meeting #4

my big 3, meeting my tiniest #4, was of the most beautiful and amazing moments. their love for her, instantly, fully and tenderly is enough to melt my heart over and over forever. big brothers were all at once completely over protective and big sister was completely doting and motherly. i treasure these moments always.

the trenches

our recent days are hard and drenched in trauma parenting with emery and it feels strange to tell the world about it. at the same time, i want to document the process our life has seen so she can someday have insight into her childhood through my words, and i hope to have insight as well as we press on towards healing. i see so much light, so much progress, so much delight in my wonder girl. she is a source of amazing encouragement to our family. she is funny and kind and so amazingly smart. she started copying and writing all kinds of words this month. she wants to learn everything. i made her a copy book with clear covers so she can use a dry erase marker to copy things like all of our names, our address, my phone number, letters, numbers, pictures, etc. she uses it every day. she adores penny and is constantly doting on her every need. she has such a natural mothering instinct. her relationship with daddy is truly one of amazing beauty. she is his princess and there is nothing more that she loves than to spend time with him.
we have also experienced horrible rage and tantrums, especially after penny arrived. my pregnancy was hard on me and on emery as i wasn't able to carry her and hold her as she was used to. and then after penny arrived, everything else in my life went on hold as i cared for penny, spending nearly 24 hours a day loving her and caring for her. i believe emerys horrible tantrums and violence towards me is actually her grieving the change in our relationship. she doesn't know how to share me with another child who needs me so much. its been hard on both of us to figure out a new normal. emery has taken to hitting and pinching and kicking me. she whips me with things and shoves me.  even hitting penny sometimes. its painful physically and emotionally in a way i can't even express. when i say things have been difficult, i'm not kidding. it's been horrible some days.
and yet i see light.
we've had a few good days in a row. her tantrums don't all involve violence towards me. we might, just maybe, be heading back to a better place.
please Lord, give us back some peace. we need it. she needs it.