we went so far as to invite all of our stuffed anmials to tea, including heart shaped sandwiches and sugar cube tongs.
we only spilled 3 cups of tea (full, newly poured, cups) and even made granola bars into granola nuggat bites, which make them far fancier.
i'm sure william and kate would NOT approve of this move...but since we are still tea partiers in training, we felt it neccisary to try out all of the naughty techniques before we work on the proper ones :)
we don't have our exact dates yet, but soon, very soon!
i sobbed through church tonight. there are babies everywhere. i love seeing my friends holding and giggling with their little ones. i'm fascinated by the relationship of moms and babies. dads and babies. i think that's why i love photography so much, because it can capture a relationship.
i can't help but allow my mind to wander to my own little one. i hate hate hate not knowing where she is or who is holding her. i am having more and more trouble praying for her because i just sob. no words. no thoughts. just tears and pleading. pleading for her safety. for a government official in a far off government office to grant us favor. pleading to her Father, who loves her so much more than i can fathom. pleading that turns to thankfulness that i can even be shown worthy enough to be the mom of these amazing kids. i'm so often not the mom i want to be. i get lazy and selfish and some days i'd much rather keep my own adjenda than stop and play baseball or start messy art projects. and then i see my friends with their little ones. i am struck by what a treasure it is to have those moments...i'm so much more aware of it now that i can't have it with Emery. i missed out on so much of her life. so many moments. it's so very painful to think about it, i can't. i'm a moment away from tears at all time. a bonified mess of emotions. i can't take it much longer. and yet, somehow, i can. i can, and will, honor the process. i don't want to. i don't like it, but i choose it. if this is what i must do to reach my daughter at long last, then i'm in. all in. cards on deck. tea party at the ready.
I still call Emeline my baby, obviously. She's my only baby so far. But, sometimes I feel guilty, like? She's 1! Can I still call her a baby? She still seems so small to me. But after reading this, and knowing Emery and her are basically the same age...I'm thinking YEP. She's still my baby, just like Emery will be for you. Cannot waittttt till you get to hold that sweet girl. So happy for your family!
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel like you can't stand it anymore, let the prayers of others help hold you up :)
ReplyDeletethanks for writing honest words. i feel selfish some days, too, craving my own time and not wanting to color, create or imagine. but, those moments are why i'm here and i'm blessed to have a house full of crazies to create those moments with. that's what i thought of when i read your post, so thanks for making me think!!
ReplyDelete