the internet, or lack thereof {just call me grumpy old yeller}

we are totally out of the loop around here. not only are the doctors visits and physical therapy and pre-ops taking over life, but I can't seem to make it back into the real world. partially and completely due to the fact that we decided to try to save money and not get cable and internet. seriously. i'm going into withdrawals. cable tv i can live forever without, but the internet? oh dear. how pitiful and sad that i can't live without this luxury. my photos are all stuck on my computer. blog posts waste away in my brain (perhaps that's where they should stay) and i have no idea what's going on in the world. i just called clint and admitted i can't take it. i need it. we made it one week. he is calling today to order some world wide web therapy.

season. it's a season. but at the moment, it feels long. not unbearable...nothing like the waiting...oh dear, nothing compares to that. I have so many friends in the waiting phase...waiting for their babies. my heart aches to think about it.

it's just that i crave the goings on and in of the dear ones in my life, and in the foreseeable future we are booked solid. play dates have disappeared from the schedule. in fact, i called today and canceled 2 weight checkups and emery's 15 mo well baby. she'll see plenty of docs in the next 2 months. no need for anything needless. besides, my girl is getting a minor case of thunder thighs...beautiful, pinch-able thighs.

i hesitate to post the next part. I'm all for keeping things light and filled with lovely photos. but since the internet strike is wining the photo access war, I'll just go ahead and be honest. I'm sure someday I'll look back and be glad. or at least I hope so.

we've had a semi good week...with moments of chaos surrounded by me having the crummiest attitude ever. and it effects everyone. the saying rings true: "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
i don't want to blame it on hormones, or moving or the crazy schedule. it's deeper than that. i snapped on some level. yesterday was the low point.

at 7:30am the carpet guy came to replace the nasty carpet on the stairs in our apartment. at 7:30am when we were supposed to be walking out the door to emery's 1st physical therapy appointment at CHOP. i was supposed to have 3 kids dressed with shoes on and bellys full of breakfast for the long day ahead. supposed to have packed lunches and toys and a pile of paperwork and directions and a referral. supposed to have a calm peace to start our long and surely trying day. none of those things happened at 7:30am. well, except for the carpet guy. he was there just in time to catch quite a show. i was in rare form.
emery, who is very mild mannered, has one really frustrating, and not very mild habit. she insists on throwing food. sometimes because she is done, but sometimes because she thinks it's fun. she puts food in her mouth and then rips it out after it's nice and slimy and sticky. it is only then that she chucks it behind her, around her, or on my pants. yesterday, it was avocados, which is usually a grand favorite. she decided the floor was more fun than her mouth. foster tried 7 times to find his socks upstairs and 7 times came down with a car and not his socks. rowan got up from his breakfast 47 times and wandered around. 47 times I told him to sit down and eat.

at my lowest point, i yelled at them. a real yell. the kind i've rarely ever uttered. my 3 kids who are just being kids. kids who don't understand why mommy is stressed out. why the day needs lunch and paperwork and keys and referrals. they just know to be kids.

i'm not a yeller. so my crazy outburst was followed by silence....3 somber shocked faces...and one pitiful and defeated mama. oh and then screaming from emery followed in addition to even more excessive food throwing.
instead of making it right, i kept my storm if ugliness blowing through the house.
as i scurried around throwing random things in my bag, none of which included important paperwork, directions, or house keys.
(little did i know, 5 hours later we would return to find ourselves locked out of the house...and i would find it neccisary to swipe a shovel to lift the window and then hoist foster through. for foster, it was a grand hero moment. for that reason, I'm glad it happened :)
clint caught my eye. i grumped past him in a huff of irritation.
"this stuff happens." he said with his usual calm. "you're a mom, remember?" he has such a way of speaking truth without judgement. it's truly a gift.

the mood was bad when i loaded the troops in the car. i knew only i could change it.
so i started where i should have started initially.
i sat in the front seat and paused. i breathed. i begged God to forgive my resentment. my annoyance. my irritation at the little things i need to find joy within.
then i apologized and asked the kids to forgive me for yelling. for having a horrible attitude. for being a stressed out mommy.
and that's the thing about kids.
they don't know judgment yet. they don't hold grudges against me.
they just forgive and move on.
i decided no matter how i felt, i would fake my joy until it arrived.
so for the next hour in the car, i told stories. they laughed and smiled and begged for more. i reached back and held emery's hand. in no time we were at CHOP.

and at some point, my ugliness passed. I didn't need to fake it anymore.

I found my joy just in time to see the shocked face on the PT specialist when she met emery. when emery shocked a room full of people by pulling to stand, cruising along a bench and passing each exercise with flying colors. the PT specialist had previously cleared her schedule in preparation for meeting emery's needs after reading her chart. she had previously scheduled emery to come 2 times a week for 6 weeks. emery, the little girl who could barely sit up and couldn't bare weight on her arms or legs a month ago. after meeting her, she canceled the future appointments...canceled them because of emery's rockin awesomeness. we can now use the FREE early intervention PT. emery is close to removing "failure to thrive" from her charts. I can't wait for that day. when that label is gone. her feisty food chucking spunk that doesn't let anything stand in her way. even a mom who cops an ugly attitude.

when mama's happy, kids are happy. or is it more than happy? I think joy is more descriptive. the kind that isn't effected by moving boxes or flying avocados or lost socks. a God provided joy that I lost sight of this week. i picked up my reading in acts his morning. I seriously need a grip on life...what I'm going through is nothing compared to being thrown in jail or beaten for an outspoken belief in Christ. I need heart attitude healing. but that's the thing about God...
He doesn't hold grudges against me.
He just forgives and move on.
forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
and boy have I needed it this week.
sent from my iphone