state of the union

i've drafted 5 posts as of late, but as soon as they are hot off the press, they feel quickly out of date.
it's as if life is changing and moving and twisting and churning up newness that i can scarcely pull together any thoughts that are actually relevant.

i realized i haven't put a single entry in my kids baby books in over 2 years. other than this blog, there is nothing about them documented. nothing. yikes.
i've been working on a photo-journal book of their first years of life on mixbook.com, or at least i was working on it...i took a peek yesterday. it's been 10 months since i last attempted to glance at it. it was round about 10 months ago that our life events started a journey that brought us to this point.
we moved out of our house exactly 10 months ago. count them. 10 months. yowza. when did that happen? we drive by every now and again. i loved it not because it was particularly pretty, because it wasn't. the walls were as thin as sheets, the heater was about the die, the spare room for Emery was like a screened in porch, and there were wackado crazy bugs that lived mysteriously under the walls in the downstairs bathroom. but it was where i brought rowan home from the hospital. it's where both of my kids learned to walk and talk and grow into who they will be for the rest of their lives. it's where we cooked and cleaned and worked hard to make it home. the boys ask every time if we can go in. but since we can't, we sit in the parking lot. we tell stories of how we wrote on chalk on the walkway. made snow mountains taller than the bushes in front. and try to spot remnants of sand leftover from the sandbox clint build for us. they miss it. a lot. they've stopped asking about the things we have in storage. now it's just a fact. "oh, that's in the barn, mom. we'll get it someday...you know, when we move into our house."

so now we find ourselves. 10 months later. so thankful for family who has welcomed us into their home with open arms. graciousness and in a spirit of love and generosity. what would we ever do without them??

i won't go into the stuff i never want to re-live. the job changes. the unemployment. the fact that we don't have any home-buying prospects on the horizon.
the state of our union doesn't include those things. although, it's churned out of a mix of everything we encounter, the majority shines in the triumph that only comes from God's Providence.
from a God who will go to great lengths to bring us to a place where we can fully see Him in all places. there is no denying it. God is at the center. but, of course...He was there, all along. i misplace Him. i trust more in the illusion of job security. in the bank statement of our savings account. in our house being perfectly decorated and what it says about me if it's not...or it's small. or if we don't have a house at all. in how i dress and if i'm wearing new clothes or not.

the state of our union gets caught and snagged on so many things.
it becomes ensnared and sometimes there doesn't seem to be a way out...and all of the sudden we don't want out because our mis-stepped union...our illusions...they become our new state. and it's comfortable.
i've been there. comfortable.

but the past 10 months??
my state of union has changed. uncomfortable isn't a bad thing, but i didn't know that before. i've been forced to learn it. a learning i will always be grateful for. 
my attitude has ventured south of miserable many-a-time during these 10 months.
i've learned i can endure nothing. but that God can endure everything. He doesn't feel stress. He doesn't focus with tunnel vision, unaware of what is coming. His vision is all knowing. all encompassing. all everything all at once. and He still has the patience to deal with me and my tunnel and my pewney view of life. the state of my union which isn't so stately.

where i'm going with this post??
...i haven't a clue.
how's that for forethought?  :)
but i know i'm moving toward the state of my heart. my soul.
it's been changed.


i have a feeling. an innate knowing of the brimming future.  perhaps the past 10 months have been difficult. perhaps they've been very difficult. more than what i thought i could bare on many occasions.

no matter what the next 10 months. 10 years. 10 generations may bring. it's the same God at the center. anything that is remotely wonderful...anything that is good and pure and beautiful...it's God who is at the center.