despair and mathematics

last night, i awoke around 2am to someone crying. rowan was calling for me, and as i wandered sleepily into his room, he was sobbing and asking me to lay with him. so we snuggled for a bit. oh how i love snuggle sleepers. he puts his arm around my neck, or holds my hand and instantly falls asleep. it's precious. after a while, i made my way back to bed. but when i got to the hallway, i realized i forgot something. i ran frantically to find a flashlight and dashed back into the boys room. i started searching everywhere. under covers, in the closet.  i was feeling more and more frazzled as the seconds ticked by. i had forgotten to kiss emery and i was unable to find her anywhere. i found myself running down the hallway and into the sewing room. i ran back into the boys bedroom and then started racing down the stairs.
"where are you?!" i screamed.
"i can't find you! why can't i find you?!!" as my words called out into the darkness, i realized in an instant that i was sleep walking.
i stood in the stairwell blankly looking down the steps. i dropped the flashlight. there was no need for it. she isn't here. i probably should have felt pretty silly at all of my crazy traipsing around the house...flashlight beams coating every crevice, and my hairbrained-half-asleep self running rampid. but all i felt was despair. sadness. the way i feel when i really let myself admit how much i long for her.
i know i know. we are so close. literally just a few weeks away. but even a month means 3 meals a day that someone else will feed her (3x30=90). 1 bedtime and at least 1 nap that i won't get to snuggle her to sleep and feel her arm around my neck. (2x30=60)  the many times i stop and hug and kiss and tickle and hold and walk with and chase and giggle with my children. the many times each day that she isn't here to be a part of it. the little things count. the mathematics are staggering to me. i see it plainly. i have so much to catch up on.

i can't bare to read adoption blogs (save for our dear brooklyn, who just makes me sob like a baby because i love her so much!). i don't want to talk about travel dates and how much longer. oh how i hate that question because i've answered it so many times. the unknown of adoption is always there. constantly. i don't want to dream. i don't want to blog about my child who is 17,000 miles away. it's been 3 years. i'm ready for holding. tickling. walking and kissing. neck squeezing, lip smooching.

and then i come back to what i know to be true. i need to honor the process. be faithful in what i have in front of me. ashley wrote a great post today about being present...it really resonated with me. i can choose to walk through my days and nights in the terror of missing her...or i can choose to be present in what God has given me today. otherwise, i will never be satisfied, no matter what is going on. God knew this process all along, and He knew all i have to learn. it's not just valuable for adoption, but for all of life.