i'm being honest.

sometimes i don't understand.
many things, acctually
but recently,
i don't understand the burden i have
i can't figure out how to love this un-named child any less
today i am physically hurting as i think and pray for her.
i think it is completly and horribly unfair.
i want to buy an airline ticket and fly to china right this very minuet.
i want to search the streets until i find her. i want to hold her and kiss her until she falls asleep in my arms, and then i want to carry her all the way home.
i want her to play trains with foster in the playroom.
i want her to giggle and run in circles with rowan.
i want her to snuggle the beautiful blanket that i will make her.
i want to sing to her as she falls asleep at night.
i want to tell her over and over again how much she is loved.
i want to tell her the story her Maker gave her, and how unique and special it is.

i don't understand why things aren't coming together like i had hoped
i always start so gung-ho
and now a slow adversity has hit...the adversity and pain of waiting.
not even waiting on someone else, but waiting on us.

i don't undsertand the financial complexities of our life
my faith isn't strong enough.
i'm still trying to do it on my own.
as i am typing, i realize in one strong movement this is the issue.
i'm death-gripping every cent, when i should be willing to tithe it and see it come back ten fold.
i see how much we have and i see how much we need
and it boggles me.
but that's where it all begins.
i think the wait is waiting on me to sink in the Truths that i know.
i think that's the adversity in all of this.
me.
that's the worst part.
i'm in my own way.
and i hate it.

so this is me.
being honest.
a real debbie-downer :)
but sometimes, i can't sugar coat it.
i don't think i should.